People for the Ethical Treatment Of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to guy: I don't think that hamsters respond to you as much as, like, a guinea pig does.

–Bank St. & Greenwich St.

Overheard by: Katie Compa

Crazy redneck-looking guy to PETA circus protester: They're gonna do to us what they did to the lions! We'll be put in concentration camps!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Santiago and Catie

Guy: And she can ride him like a horse!

–W 103rd St

Graying Brooklyn guy to another: You know, the only thing I haven't seen is a bobcat.

–7th Ave & 4th St, Brooklyn

Underclassman to another: Lizards can't impregnate anyone. They don't even have penises.

–Townsend Harris High School

Overheard by: amused

Drunk man in tiger costume to McDonald's worker: There's an escaped zoo animal and he wants to eat your pussy. Stop serving your food and hide! (then steals bowl of jams used for breakfast menu)

–McDonald's

Posted on May 18, 2016
Activists, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crazy, Drunks, Fast Times at New York High, Food, Girls, Guys, Madison Square Garden, One-liners, Penis, Rednecks, Restaurants & Cafes, Students, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Violence, We Love Our Pets, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

The People Who Film and Distribute It?

Teenage girl: But she sucks a lot of dick for money!
Teenage boy: At least she’s getting paid! You suck a lot of dick for free! Who’s the winner in that situation?

–153rd St & Amsterdam Ave

Overheard by: Emily

Posted on May 12, 2016
BJs, Boys, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Money & Class, Prostitution, Questions, Teens

Wednesday Doesn't Eat Enough to Keep a One-Liner Alive

Skinny professor: John* [a chubby professor] and I started Weight Watchers together at the same time!

–Hostos Faculty Dining Room

Overheard by: glad she's leaving

Skinny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy substitute for heavy cream?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: office peon loves Thanksgiving food

Girl ordering Coffee Coolatta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorexic. Everything tasted good back then…

–Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: allison

Jewish grandmotherly type: Women with anorexia seem to have such strange eating habits.

–Upper West Side

Anorexic-looking girl: I want a tic tac. I'm hungry.

–95th & 2nd

Posted on April 30, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anorexic, Brooklyn, Clerks, College, Compare/Contrast, Customers, Diet/Weight, Food, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Jewish Moms, Nostalgia, One-liners, Skinny People, Street, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Wishes & desires

I Always Preferred Bin Laden Barbie

Older lady #1: He's a very nice guy. He looks like a terrorist, but he's so sweet.
Older lady #2, laughing: Really? Well, that's good.
Older lady #1: Yeah. He's so smart! Really bright, and really good at making you feel comfortable. I was so glad to have him helping us. But he definitely–if you look at him–he's like teddy Taliban.

–Waiting Room, NYU Hospital

Overheard by: Hector Hamas?

Posted on April 28, 2016
Compare/Contrast, Laughter, NYU, Old People, Physical appearance, Terrorism, Women

Ooo, You Know How to Treat Me Right!

Girl #1: What kind of restaurant is it?
Girl #2: It's like Red Lobster, without the seafood.

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Adina

Posted on April 18, 2016
Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Food, Girls, Questions

WOLing Me Softly

Grandma to kid: It’s really hard to kill people, you know.

–West Village

(20-something sits down and stretches his arms out in a yawn)
Man sitting one seat away: If you touch my leg I’ll kill you.

–1 Train

Middle-aged beefcake on phone: Oh yeah? Well he’s not trying anymore because he’s dead.

–42nd & Lex

Overheard by: bildita

Suit on cell: He was a great guy, until he decided to kill someone.

–Smith & Wollensky

Loud woman on payphone (very angrily): Well what the fuck am I supposed to do with her? Mausoleum? What? What the fuck?

–96th & Madison

Overheard by: grateful undead

Seven-year-old black boy: I’m goin’ to Iraq, to kill Obama!

–125th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: The Drummey

Posted on April 3, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Death, Families, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Meatheads, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Restaurants & Cafes, Suits, Threats, Upper East Side, War, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Remember: No Eucharist After Midnight

Kid: John Paul II was like Furby…and this new guy is like a gremlin.

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: jessi

Posted on March 21, 2016
Compare/Contrast, Kids, One-liners, Pope, The Bronx

You Still Have That Ouija Board?

Mom: Don’t lean over the tracks like that.
Five-year-old son: I’m just looking for the train.
Mom: It’s dangerous, you could fall.
Five-year-old son: Daddy’s doing it. You’re not saying it to him.
Mom: I’m your mother, and I told you to stop. Daddy can do what he wants. [Boy sulks for a few minutes.] Okay, do you want to call Grandma when we get home so she can yell at Daddy for leaning over the tracks?
Five-year-old son: Yes.

–34th St subway platform

Posted on March 18, 2016
Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Gripes, Kids, Moms, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Talking/Convos

Wednesday: Soft As a Baby's One-Liner

Drunk middle aged man, grabbing wife's shoulder: Watch this! Nine months from tonight! Count it, people! She's going to have a motherfucking baby! Nine months! Niiiiiine months!

–E 9th St & University Place

Overheard by: NYUTSOA2012

Tween to grandmother: There's this girl in my class at school who had a baby around Halloween, and she named it Starlight. It's a baby girl.

–F Train

Overheard by: office peon

Hysterical teen: If I had nine months left to live I would have his baby!

–Gee Whiz, Tribeca

Train conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors! Especially if you got a baby and a baby carriage!

–Uptown 2 Train

Attractive brunette: There were dead babies in the tree. Like Christmas ornaments.

–96th & Broadway