Looks Like We’re in for a Bad Spell of Wednesday One-Liners

Little girl: Mommy, it’s snowing in my eyes!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Elderly Hispanic woman wading through snow: Skoosh! Shoosh! Skoosh! Wee! Skoosh!

–28th & Park

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Bus conductor in droning, somber voice: Ladies and gentlemen, due to inclement weather, the express trains are temporarily discontinued. [Suddenly sounding bright and chipper.] In other words, it’s cold outside, folks! So if you think you can just wait for the local, you wrong! So all y’all just get out the way o’ my doors and let’s go!

–4 Train

Drunk blonde: Omigod, is it like raining? There’s like water falling from the sky outside.

–LIRR

Girl on cell, on first nice day of spring: This weather just makes me want to drink…I have been sitting outside for ten minutes and all of a sudden I can’t get booze off my mind.

–72nd & Columbus

Pilot: Welcome on board flight number [mumble]… We have a 45 minute flight to Ithaca, New York, where the weather is [dramatic pause] fucking awful! Why you guys going there?

–LaGuardia Airport

Posted on June 4, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus Drivers, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Etiquette, Girls, Gripes, Kids, LaGuardia Airport, Latinos, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Park Slope, Pilots, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weather, Women, Words

“Let’s Get Ready to Wednesday One-Liiiiiiiner!”

Bimbette: So yesterday he called me to tell me that he’s going to beat my ass, and then he calls me today to ask if he can use my CD player.

–Staten Island Mall

Overheard by: Robert

Seven-year-old girl: She better watch herself before I pimp slap her.

–Amsterdam Projects

Girl, to rest of her punk skater group: But I be like: "Bitch, I don’t skate… I just beat bitches with it."

–Astor Place & Broadway

Overheard by: Jynx

Lady on cell: Is someone else going to smack you?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Krisztina

Man on cell: What… You flubbed what? Listen dude, I’m in midtown, but it’s too far a cab ride to come beat a grown man’s ass.

–W Hotel, 49th & Lex

Overheard by: Miami Hitman

Bus driver to angry man: You want a piece of this? There are 26 places on the body that can kill you instantly. I can hit 4 in one shot. You wanna dance?!

–M16 Bus

Overheard by: nora!

Posted on June 4, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bimbettes, Bitch-slap, Body Parts, Bus Drivers, Girls, Hotels, Insults, Kids, Malls, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Punks, Questions, Skaters, Staten Island, The Village, Threats, Violence, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners for Uncle Walter

High-school teen to friend: So, like, every guy that likes me must totally be a pedophile.

–Flatbush & Dekalb, Brooklyn

13-year-old: I mean, he’s not a pedophile, he’s just very open with his sexuality, and I like that.

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kelly

Lesbian on cell: I just saw these girls and they were pretty. Really pretty. And fifteen. But then I heard them talking and I realized they were French! So it’s fine. Fifteen is legal there.

–36th St & Fifth Ave

Middle-aged teacher: I have this girl in my class that’s a six-year-old with a 46-year-old woman’s body.

–Prem-On Thai

Overheard by: office peon

Guy who just got more beer: This is the happiest place on earth… Except for that kindergarten I’m not allowed to go back to anymore.

–McSorley’s, 7th & 3rd

Overheard by: I’ll drink to that!

Seven-year-old boy running after another child: I’m a pedophile! I’m a pedophile! I’m a pedophile!

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: that’swhathesaid

Posted on May 28, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Beauty, Brooklyn College, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Coney Island, Crime and Punishment, Foreigners, Friends, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, Happiness, Kids, Lesbians, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Pedophilia, Restaurants & Cafes, Sexuality, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Village, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Not That There’s Anything Wrong with Wednesday One-Liners

Dude on cell: I’m okay with it. As long as nobody slaps me or calls me gay or spits on me. Those are my three things. As long as nobody does those three things.

–21st St & 8th Ave

Asian girl: You gave me the gay!

–C Train

Overheard by: Jordan

Female cop to male cop: You a queer? For real, you queer? You a queer? You a queer? Oh, I didn’t know that. Okay. [Nods.]

–C Train

Barnard girl to friends: I don’t think he’s gay, I just think he has problems having sex with women.

–Columbia University Steps

Overheard by: John Jay

Man to friend: See, I told you this was a gay neighborhood, look at all the women!

–Montague Street, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: glekapolis

Loudly homophobic guy: Gay! Gay! My ass hurts from watching that preview!

–AMC Theater, Times Square

Overheard by: Lo

Posted on May 28, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Ass, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Coworkers, Fears, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Insults, Men, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Sexuality, Sorority Girls, Theater, Times Square, Women

Are You Pre-op or Post-op, Wednesday One-Liners?

Pragmatic bouncer: Well, there weren’t enough women there, so we threw in a tranny…

–Broadway Caribou Coffee

Overheard by: jenny Lui

Man, to friend: So, he says to me "Oh, I have a sex-change operation scheduled for that day, so I can’t make it."

–46th, b/w 8th & 9th

Overheard by: christine

30-something woman with nose ring, on cell: She’s like a transvestite… And an ugly bird. She’s like a transvestite and an emu. [pause] It’s a really ugly bird.

–7th Ave

Overheard by: James from Jersey

Guy: So then I was like, suck my twat!

–21st & 6th

20-something girl: I had him as both a man and a woman.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Tater

Dude: It’s been ages since I had testicles!

–Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on May 28, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Birds, Bouncers, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Insults, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Not New York, On Cell, Physical appearance, Restaurants & Cafes, Surgery, Trannies, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Play Hungry, Hungry Hypocrites

Woman with thick Jersey accent, very seriously: I really need to get an accent. Accents are very important to people here.

–1 Train

Overheard by: McFreaky

Drunk man screaming into cell: Stop fucking yelling!

–30th & 8th

Guy on phone: It just really bugs me that she’s always talking to other people about our relationship…

–Bedford & 4th, Williamsburg

Overheard by: andebobandy

Aussie bartender with heavy accent: He was complaining that the burger wasn’t flat because it’s hand-rolled and not frozen. [pause] Fucking foreigners.

–O’Keefe’s, Court Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: NJH

Guy in wheelchair (peeing in a Snapple bottle) to friend: People are nasty.

–W 38th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Bebe

Posted on May 28, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drunks, Foreigners, Gripes, Guys, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Will Kick Your Ass at Beer Pong

Frat boy on cell: Next time this happens, just grab him by the penis and drag him into bed.

–Grand Central

Frat boy: I mean, STDs are nothing to worry about. There are more Pokemon than there are STDs!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Pikachu

Enthusiastic frat boy: Sure, sure, but back in history when there were no diseases…

–57th Street & 8th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Frat boy on cell: If I were him, I’d tell her to get her boobs put in too, as long as she’s already under.

–Mercer & 8th

Incensed frat-type dude on cell: Dude! I didn’t fingerbang your sister in Tijuana! I’m not a snake like that. I fingerbanged her in Cancun, so it was on American soil… And you were in the next bed. Tell me you don’t remember any of this?!

–NR Train

Posted on May 21, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bryant Park, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Frat Boys, Global Geography, Grand Central, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Penis, Sex, Sexuality, STDs, The Village, Trains Not Subway, TV

Wednesday Doing-Liners

Socialite-in-training: So all I had in this stupid bar in Las Vegas is a vodka tonic and a whiff of cocaine and before I know it I’m making out with a guy that I distinctly remember saying "I don’t like you" to. Yeah… That happened a lot this summer…

–116th & Broadway

Yuppie: I’m in fucking Penn station, I don’t know if it’s fucking snowing outside. I hope six falls up my nose tonight.

–Penn Station

Student on cell: I mean, I could say there are people going into finance doing lines of coke on a Monday night and here I am, doing work.

–114th b/w Broadway & Amsterdam

Kid, walking out of middle school: Man, I could really use some cocaine!

–East Village

Model to friend about styling team: Yo, before I knew they were from California, I thought they were on coke…

–Crwon Heights

Overheard by: Cuttie

Yuppie to friend: No, seriously. He’s not a jerk at all. He’s a cokehead. You’ll love him.

–Essex & Rivington

Posted on May 21, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Cocaine, Compare/Contrast, Drinks, Friends, Jobs & Careers, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Kids, Lower East Side, On Cell, Penn Station, Rich people, Sexuality, Students, U.S. Geography, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weather, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Yuppies

Cirrhosis of the Wednesday One-Liners

Hot chick dragging male companion: But you’ll like it this time, you were drunk yesterday…

–19th & 8th

Disheveled homeless woman: Fuck that shit! I’m looking for a real drunk!

–42nd & 9th

Overheard by: Mike

Man on bike, swerving down street: Look out, get out of the way! Drunk driver coming through!

–Washington Square East and Washington Place

Overheard by: Out of the way!

Appreciative preppy girl: Even though he’s a thug and a drunk, he’s a real intellectual.

–Art Fair at the Armory

Overheard by: Gina Beavers

Drunk guy about to chug: This reminds me of middle school. Got to get the 40 down before second period!

–Stan’s, Bronx

Young woman on cell: No, I do not need to get drunk more often, stop saying that mom!

–Union Square

Overheard by: McCrum

Posted on May 21, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, Bars & Clubs, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Drinking & Drunk People, Education, Girls, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Parents, Preppies, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, Washington Square Park, Wishes & desires, Women

And How Do Wednesday One-Liners Make You Feel?

Mother, to crying four-year-old trying to grasp her hand: If you don’t stop this behavior you are going to have to see a psychiatrist. [Child keeps at tantrum] This behavior is excessive and abnormal, and I don’t have the patience for it.

–Washington G Station

Stern bimbette: No. My fave dead therapist said that I need to make sure that I surround myself with people who are nice to waiters and their moms.

–Court Street & Joralemon, Brooklyn

NYU chick, calmly: So then I just had a teeny little breakdown!

–West 4th St

Woman on cell: So where are you? [pause] Is that "Therapy" the bar or therapy therapy?

–Manhattan Plaza Gym, 43rd St

Girl on cell: Don’t you think I’m a psycho? [pauses, laughs] Why not?

–Bedford and North 7th

20-something homo: Scientology is just like therapy except without the stigma of therapy.

–52nd & 9th

Overheard by: Trey Givens