When God Closes a Wednesday One-Liner, He Opens a Window

Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Station police officer, please apprehend the man holding the doors in the 6th car. (pause, then doors close) Hahaha, that always works.

–B Train

Overheard by: JustMe

Conductor: The door in car number two is not working, if you are looking at this door not opening I recommend moving, youuuuuuuu might want to move.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Brian Broker

MTA engineer: Please use all exits. For the love of god, people, use all the doors to get out of the train. What the fuck, people, use the doors. Thank you.

–G Train

Overheard by: lolz

Conductor: Please stop holding the doors. (people continue to hold doors). I'm already on the clock, I have nowhere to be.

–A Train

Overheard by: oliviz

Disgruntled subway conductor: Listen up, y'all! This train needs to move! Do not try to hold open the doors! Do not run at closing doors! Do not stick anything in the doors! That includes arms, legs, obnoxiously expensive purses, children, animals, whatever! Let's go!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Sarah

Conductor: Please stand clear of the doors or it will bruise yo face.

–C Train

Overheard by: Chris

Posted on May 21, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Clerks, Conductors, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Insults, Laughter, Lies, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Birthday One-Liners

20-something guy on cell: My girlfriend's birthday is tomorrow. (pause) I don't know. Maybe a bong.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Steve Popovich

Girl to friend: I just wanted to hook up with him because we had the same birthday.

–8th St & 5th Ave

Rent cast member (shouting over shoulder): I turn 34 on Friday, I'm old but at least I made it past Jesus.

–Nederlander Theatre

Woman arguing loudly with her mother in the laundromat: My 30th birthday is gonna be ruined if we don't go to the wax museum!

–4th Ave & 14th St, Brooklyn

Guy handing out New York Post: Grab your free copy of New York Post, it's free, it's free! Oh, and happy birthday to me today, thank you very much for remembering it! Oh, what a lovely day…

–42nd & Madison

Overheard by: Eve

Posted on May 20, 2015
Actors, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Birthdays, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Fashion, Free stuff!, Friends, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Hook Ups, Jesus, Laundromat, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Street, The Village, Theater, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

“…that’s 3 more gigs!”

Woman on cell: Oh yeah, I got the iPod, but he got the dog.

–Park & 57th

Posted on May 20, 2015
Breaking Up, iPod, Man's Best Friend, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners

Dude, If I Close My Eyes, They’re All Naked

An attractive black girl wearing brown from head to toe walks by.

Stoner kid: Dude, if you squint, doesn’t that girl look naked?

–Fort Greene park

Overheard by: Saddened

Posted on May 18, 2015
Guys, Horny, Nudity, One-liners, Parks, Stoners, Wishes & desires

Does a Threesome With Twins Break the Wednesday One-Liner Taboo?

Suit to another: He was just lucky not to be fucking someone in his family!

–Trump Building

Overheard by: Guess I'm lucky too

Gamer on headset: Dude, you are not listening to me. You can't hear me. You know why? Because you have no ears. You're the product of two retarded cousins fucking each other.

–Queens

Girl: He looks like my uncle… the one I'm really attracted to.

–Governors Island ferry

Overheard by: boring

Male passerby: I wouldn't fuck my family, but…

–4th Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: Jessica

British professor wearing bow tie: It's fascinating just how exciting incest is!

–Silver Center, NYU

Posted on May 16, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brits, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Ferry, Girls, Handicaps, Incest, Men, Nerds, NYU, One-liners, Physical appearance, Queens, Questions, Retardation, Sex, Street, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Das Hoboermensch

A crazy guy is pulling on a hipster’s sleeve, jabbering at him.

Hipster guy: You know, that’s very Nietzsche, by the way.

–3rd Avenue between 5th & 6th

Posted on May 15, 2015
Etiquette, Hipsters, One-liners, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-liners for Adoptionists

Crazy woman: I’m still alive and breathing, thank you very much, despite the best efforts of the Devil.

–Food Court, Grand Central

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Posted on May 15, 2015
Anger Management, Astoria, Brooklyn, Crime and Punishment, Death, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Friendship, Manhattan, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Queens, Religion, Restaurants & Cafes, Should've Used a Condom, Teens, Tourist Attractions, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence

Wednesdays Are Naturally Sweetened With One-Liners

Chick on cell: As a pie-lover, I have a question.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Poogins

Father to toddler: No, you can't have a doughnut. You just had a doughnut yesterday. You can have another when you're…25!

–Doughnut Plant, Grand & Norfolk

Large older woman: I like cherry, lemon, peach, apple, and pumpkin. Other than that, I'm not a big pie person.

–Central Park Bench

Overheard by: Struedel Snatcher

Big black guy: And she kept trying to get me to take a pie, but I kept telling her, "bitch, I ain't got no room for no pie!"

–Penn Station

Young lady to friend, gravely: I understand, but things have changed. That was before the chocolate bonanza.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: T. Ryan

Posted on May 12, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Central Park, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Dads, Family Ties, Fat People, Food, Friends, Fruit, Girls, Grocery Stores, Guys, Insults, Kids, Lower East Side, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Penn Station, Questions, Street, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday On-Liners

Chick on cell: Why did you tell dad about that?…Well, he was going to find out sooner or later when he saw me on the website.

–Union Square

Female midget: Yeah, they’re installing the internet in my new apartment and apparently they need a computer.

–Elevator, ABC building, 66th St

Overheard by: Mojosaves

World traveler: Really, you can get anything on the streets of Bangkok. Thai prostitutes, smoothies, passport pictures…It’s like Craigslist.

–20th & 8th

Overheard by: laughing out loud

Catholic school girl on cell: Danny, it’s me. I have some bad news. We’re on a break. Call me back when you get this message….[Hangs up and redials] Maria! What am I going to do about my MySpace?!

–4th Ave

Overheard by: Joe

Blonde on cell: Seriously, I love you, but…Seriously…Seriously, you’re an asshole. You’re a dick! Why didn’t you just tell me the fucking truth!…Well, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I posted those pictures on MySpace, but…Well, be a fucking man about it and tell me the fucking truth then!…Seriously, I love you.

–23rd & 8th

Overheard by: wild dog boy

Loud guy on cell: So how do I get this done? Do I go on the internet or something?… I want to be able to print my own bounty hunter license immediately.

–11th & 6th

Suit: When I was working for my old company, all we would do is download porn.

–Grand & Varick

Posted on May 11, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Breaking Up, Computer, Family Ties, Intelligentsia, Internet, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, On Cell, One-liners, Porn, Students, Suits, Union Square and East Village, West Village

Don't Read Too Much Into These Wednesday One-Liners

Check in girl: I only like buying books with sparkles on the cover.

–York & 72nd

Overheard by: fance

Teenage girl on cell: I gotta find this book in the religion section. You know, it's like… it's not that you believe in god, or you don't believe in god, but that you just don't care? I want that book!

–Borders Bookstore, Midtown

Amtrak conductor: A free copy of Amtrak's Arrive magazine is located in your seat pocket. For those seeking enlightenment, this magazine is the first step.

–Train, Penn Station

Student, discussing The Sound and the Fury: I suppose it's a very *artsy* ending–a big, retarded guy holding a broken flower… Does that come with skinny jeans and an apartment in Williamsburg?

–Stuyvesant High School

Tipsy 30-something nerd: We can't all be riding escalators with hard-ons.(older woman turns around) What, lady? It's a literary reference, look it up!

–1st & 7th

Overheard by: Phyllis Dean

Posted on May 11, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Clerks, Clothing, Conductors, Erections, God, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nerds, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Religion, Shopping, Store, Street, Students, Stupidity, Stuyvesant, Teens, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Wishes & desires, Women