Wednesday One-Liners Giggle When They Hear the Word “Penal”

Woman to two male companions: I've fornicated lots of times, and I've never been arrested!

–A Train, Grand Central

Guy handing out tickets: Comedy club tickets, tickets tickets, get drunk and possibly arrested!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Chadwick

50-something on cell: I was watching America's Most Wanted last night to see if I could see…our boy!

–DeKalb & Cumberland, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Lea

Grungy guy, carrying a slice and a bottled drink: I don't believe in putting off till tomorrow what I can do today…because tomorrow I might be back in jail.

–Sheridan Square

Overheard by: Suze Volchok

Guy on cell: It's always comforting when I imagine people I don't like being anally raped in prison.

–Prince & Sullivan

Bus driver: The next stop is QCC. Queens Correctional Cen…I mean, Queens Community College.

–Q27 Bus

Overheard by: hey! i go there …

Posted on December 10, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Backdoor, Brooklyn, Bus Drivers, Crime and Punishment, Directions, Drinking & Drunk People, Family Ties, Grand Central, Guys, Men, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Parks, Prison, Rape, School and studying, Sex, Soho, Store, Times Square, TV, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women, Words

If Mommy's Meds Hold Out That Long!

Upbeat mom to seven and nine-year-old daughters: And then we'll go to the family garden and then we'll go to the children's garden!
Elder daughter (sighing): And then can we go shopping?

–Botanical Garden

Headline by: sam

Runners-Up:
· “Because We’re Almost Out Of Entitlement and Materialism” – Dana Lishs
· “Children Are the REAL Inconvenient Truth…” – Bojo
· “Meet America’s Greatest Patriot” – KateNonymous
· “Where We Can Sow Money and Reap Prada” – 1310 (formerly SNA)
· “Why the Hilton Sisters Like Daddy More” – Brittlee

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on December 4, 2008
Family Ties, Headline Contest Winners, Kids, Moms, Parks, Questions, Shopping, Should've Used a Condom, The Bronx

Wednesday One-Liners Get Physical, Physical

Guy on cell: But baby, it's a full body workout, depending on the position.

–Pratt Campus

Jogger on phone: I gotta stay in shape, you know? I'm not getting any younger. Even though the guys I graduated with look worse than I do.

–Marine Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: wantsoutof_bklyn

Older lady to young male athletic facility employee: Do you have big balls? Exercise balls? I want bigger balls than you have there.

–NYU Palladium Athletic Facility, 140 E 14th St

Overheard by: JohnB

Large smoking man with burrito and Margarita: I can never work out, I'm too drunk all the time!

–Blockheads

Overheard by: how do you live?

Sassy black lady: Daaaamn! You're making me walk all the way to 45th Street?

–42nd St

Large Latina on cell: So I grabbed the baby and said "Kali! She likes this!" and started doing squats.

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Russel

Posted on December 3, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Black People, Brooklyn, College, Drinking & Drunk People, Fat People, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Height, Latinos, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, Parks, Questions, Religion, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sports, Store, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Hershey's Wednesday One-Liners

Drunken guy to stoned guy: I would kiss you, but you might remember.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lo

Girl: And so he's like, "I kissed you on the mouth last night", and I'm like "oh really? I didn't know."

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: jaytro

Dude on cell: Yeah, bro, leave it to me. I decide to cheat on my wife and I end with some stupid whore who wants to play kissie-face in a fucking Newark parking lot.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: AdHoculi

Cute girl approaches frat boy at bar: I was going to pretend I don't know you, but I do know you, and now I think I want to kiss you. Is that okay?

–Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights

Latina girl on cell: Well, my cousin died two years ago, right, and on the one-year anniversary that's when I kissed him.

–Outside Victoria Fashions, 116th & 3rd

Overheard by: Chuckles

Older German woman with accent: So when she was little she used to take a bunch of sleeping pills and lay on the floor, and she wouldn't get up until someone kissed her! It was so cute!

–1 Train

Overheard by: EthanK

Posted on November 26, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Columbia University, Death, Drunks, Family Ties, Foreigners, Frat Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Infidelity, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Latinos, Marriage, Old People, On Cell, Parks, Penn Station, Pick-up Lines, Stoners, Store, Street, Stupidity, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Do They Make Them in a Slingback?

Thug: What kinda shoes are those?
Chick in black feather skirt with 5-inch red and white heels: Miu Mius.
Thug: They're pretty.

–Bryant Park Tents

Overheard by: stephie

Posted on November 17, 2008
Beauty, Biotechs, Bryant Park, Parks, Questions, Shoes, Thugs

The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Wednesday One-Liners

Music theory professor, explaining classical idioms: The reason we use these techniques is because the great composers did–Mozart, Beethoven, Bach. They knew what they were doing. Bach knew that Mozart intuitively understood the music. When he reviewed Mozart's work, he was like, "that motherfucker!" (slight pause) Yeah, more or less.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Music Theorist

Girl to friends: Imagine this: Spice Girls concert, platform shoes, glitter all over my body…

–McCarren Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: do I have to?

20-something Whitey McWhiteface to friends: So do you think Lil Wayne tried to become a hipster or, like, it just happened?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Hopper

Guy to friend, while watching Radiohead: This is a great song to urinate to.

–Liberty State Park

Doctoral student on phone: I can't do my dissertation on the sex lives of great composers…I can't… No, it's just that the subject is too big… Ok, so 1950 to present.

–Manhattan School of Music

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. And now for your entertainment… (taps on the microphone a pretty decent beat) I hope you all like my beats…I've been practicing!

–F Train

Overheard by: Groovin to the music

Posted on November 5, 2008
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Conductors, Ew, Jersey, Friends, Girls, Guys, History & Geography, Makeup, Music, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Parks, Pee, Questions, School, Sex, Students, Teachers/Professors, Time, Weirdness, Wiggers

Only Matt Dillon's Dick Has Been in Audrey Hepburn's Ass

Hobo, interrupting a guy and a girl: Excuse me, could I bum a cigarette or get some spare change?
Young man: I'm low on cash and sorry, but I have a cigarette for you. (hands hobo a cigarette) Do you need a light?
Hobo: Nope. (walks away)
(young man and woman continue conversation, hobo comes back and interrupts again)
Hobo: Can I ask you a question?
Young man: Shoot!
Hobo: What does Matt Damon's dick look like in Audrey Hepburn's ass?
Young woman: Trick question.
(hobo gives them the finger, walks away)

–Central Park

Posted on November 2, 2008
About Celebrities, Apologies, Ass, Backdoor, Central Park, Girls, Guys, Hobos, Money & Class, Panhandling, Parks, Penis, Smoking

Wednesday Ugliners

Employee: I was eatin' with my fried Okra and I vomited all over your fetus…and that's why you're so ugly.

–The Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: Dazzle

Girl on cell: Oh, please! That bitch is ugly and her cooch probably smells too, he can have her! Because I don't need him or his greasy ass head or pencil dick. (pause) What? Oh, fuck you also! (hangs up and storms off)

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Rich

Serious gay black man on phone: Oh, please honey…there are just so many ugly white women in Europe…it's got to be something in the water!

–45th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Culturally Challenged

20-something guy on cell: She ain't the prettiest bitch, but she got these crazy little hands.

–Throop & Macon, Bedford-Stuyvesant

Overheard by: elephantgiraffe

Hipster girl: I have ugly friends. I just don't hang out with them on weekends.

–McCarren Park Pool

Overheard by: I don't hang out with ugly people

Attractive tween to friends: And then Lindsay's aunt came into the bathroom to comfort us and said, "pretty people always get blamed for things ugly people do."

–W 65th St. & Columbus Ave

Posted on October 29, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Beauty, Bimbettes, Biotechs, Black People, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Crazies, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Idiots, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Penis, Physical appearance, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queer guys, Race, Sensory Experiences, Store, Street, Stupidity, Stuyvesant Town, The Village, Travel, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Vomit, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Mr. Yankovic's Wednesday One-Liners

Random white male on cell: People thought I was weird as shit in high school… Cause I hung out with all the black people!

–Washington Square Park

Uptown girl: This place is…this is weird.

–St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Emily B.

Girl: She was weird. She had, like, a Midwestern accent or something. I think she was from Maine.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

Tattooed 20-something girl: He's such a weirdo; I had to ask six times for his urine.

–J Train

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Chick on cell: He's had his dick in me, but I worry it would be out of line to Facebook friend him. Modern life is so weird.

–Columbia University

Posted on October 29, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Biotechs, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Facebook, Girls, Idiots, Money & Class, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Pee, Penis, Race, Rich people, School and studying, Sex, Street, Union Square and East Village, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People

Parks