Wednesday One-Liner: The World's Oldest Profession

Older, dirty-looking hobo: Hey, spare me some change, all I want tonight is a hooker and some malt liquor.

–Ave A & 4th St

20-something girl: Seriously! There is nothing better after a stressful day than stealing a car, picking up a hooker, taking her to the beach, fucking her, killing her, getting your money back and not getting arrested. Nothing!

–Underhill & St. Mark's, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Claire H.

Young woman to boss: If you don't give me more hours, I'mma have to start sellin' my pussy!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Holly

Subway musician in drag the night before Valentine's Day: Be with the one you love! If you don't have anyone, then hire somebody! And keep your receipt!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Morning Glory

Musician on train platform: Everything gonna be alright! Get home safe, New York. Remember: if you see something, say something, don't keep it to yourself. And remember, New York, if you can't be with the one you love, pay someone! Keep all the receipts. I know what I'm talking about.

–B Train

Overheard by: Free Love

Posted on August 1, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Bosses, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Hobos, Jobs & Careers, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murder, Musicians, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Prostitution, Sex, Street, Thievery, Time, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-liners

Woman: A hundred dollars worth of squeaky toys and you eat garbage off the floor! I don’t get it.

–22nd & 7th

Overheard by: debo

Teenage boy: Once I hit the blind kid that lives downstairs with a ball and I felt so bad but it had me thinking, “what if he got his sight back by me hitting him?”. I would be like, “yo, you have your sight back thanks to me, give me some money.”

–2 train

Girl on cell: Your ass is, like, slightly cuter than my face.

–Union Square

Posted on July 29, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Manhattan, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, Only in New York, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Violence

Wednesday One-Liners?

Woman, picking up rubber ball, to employee: Oh, what can you do with this?

–Scholastic Store, Soho

Freshman girl: What do we, like, throw in the recycling bin?

–Leon M. Goldstein High School

Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman

Woman, descending stairs onto train platform: Oh my god! Is that a train?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: curious to know what else she was expecting to see at a train station…

Random tourist to young Asian kid: Do you sell fake bags?

–Canal Street Station

Astute shopper: Do you take Duane Reade cards here?

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: fellow customer

Guy on cell: Bagels with butter? Where am I gonna get that?

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: sarahjane

Posted on July 28, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Duane Reade, Fast Times at New York High, Guys, Idiots, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Knock-Offs, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Shopping, Soho, Store, Street, Students, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Tourists, Train Station, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

The Superfluous Eruditeness Of Wednesday One-Liners

Pompous, insane English professor: Right now I am being plagued by a contagion, but I will return your reports anon.

–Barnard College

Student, to friend who just bashed the side of his head: What the hell? You're hurting my ganglia!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: John David

Black mom to teen daughter walking away from her: No, you get back here and listen to what I'm sayin! You gotta pay attention–niggas be instigatin!

–Nassau & Fulton

Overheard by: Tigertail

First year legal scholar: I feel like our relationship is terminated for perpetuity.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: bunbury

Yuppie on phone: Wait. (pause) Bruhaha, right?

–70th & Broadway

Posted on July 28, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crazies, Friends, Grand Central, Illness, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Relationships, Street, Students, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words, Yuppies

I Told Them to Bring Us Back Some Barbeque

Street vendor #1: Socks! Socks!
Street vendor #2: Your kids and my kids are down in the underworld together.

–Court & Livingston, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sean McGurr

Posted on July 28, 2015
Brooklyn, Clothing, Family Ties, Kids, Street, Vendors & Street Performers

Can't Seem to Schedule His Emergencies

Designer on cell: I'm with a client right now. Can I call you back in two hours? I'm with a client. Bye.
Client: Huh?
Designer: Oh, my fucking son.

–Lexington Ave

Posted on July 23, 2015
Artists, Customers, Family Ties, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Parents, Questions, Street

In the Name Of the Father, the Son, and the Wednesday One-Liner

Husband pushing carriage to wife: You're lucky I'm on my way to church right now, or I'd kill you.

–Upper West Side

Chick on cell: But the real question is, is he Catholic? And an insomniac?

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Poogins

Sequined Australian drag queen: Well, I know an Antichrist religion when I see it.

–2nd St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Alisha

Girl on phone: He told me he was raped by a Catholic priest when he was little, but like I don't believe him.

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Train conductor: 110th Street, Cathedral Parkway. There are churches here, you know.

–1 Train

Man to woman, after getting off cell phone: Ah, that was Nancy–booty call. She says I gotta get over there before she's got to go to church.

–Q Train

Overheard by: spygirl

Posted on July 22, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Booty Call, Christianity, Church, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Conductors, Couples, Directions, Drag queens, Girls, Library, Men, Murder, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Questions, Rape, Religion, Street, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday Fatty-Boombalatty-Liners

Girls looking at pictures: He was mad fat, but he was a good ass baby.

–Uptown A Train

Guy walking through sea of sun bathers: There aren't even that many fat people here… That's good.

–Sheep Meadow, Central Park

Guy on cell: You're not skinny fat, no.

–East Village

Guy on cell phone: You mean you're not going to fatso's wedding!

–N Train

Overheard by: wasn't even invited

Female suit: Why the hell does Weight Watchers have so many big fat people working in their offices, anyway? That's so not inspiring!

–40th & Madison Ave

Guy on phone: You mean the really nice one? She got big? What do you mean by big? (pause) Oh. Well, she has an exceptionally beautiful face, man. Do the right thing.

–9th & 15th

Overheard by: Courtney

Posted on July 21, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Babies, Beauty, Central Park, Diet/Weight, Girls, Guys, Height, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Pictures, Questions, Street, Stupidity, Suits, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners and the People Who Love Them

Marketing girl: Would you like to try a new perfume? It's for you and your pet!

–Bryant Park, Outside Fashion Week Tents

Overheard by: jycho

Girl: I told my mom that I would probably be alone for the rest of my life. Yesterday she sent me an e-mail with a link to petfinder.com.

–Student Center, Barnard

Overheard by: Kristine

Man trying to sell comedy club tickets: Cheaper than an abortion! More entertaining than the crucifixion! More fun than euthanizing your pets!

–50th Ave & Broadway

Overheard by: Colleen

Queer on cell: Well, women are just pets for straight men.

–E 10th St

Woman on cell: So are you going to tell your daughter that you ate her pet?

–20th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Jesse S G

Posted on July 18, 2015
Abortion, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bryant Park, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Gender issues, Girls, Internet, Jesus, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Parents, Parks, Queer guys, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Street, The Village, Vendors & Street Performers, We Love Our Pets, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Can You Hear Wednesday One-Liners Now?

Judge to room packed with prospective jurors: I am going to give you a number to call in case of an emergency. You should copy this down. The number is 917-480… (pause) Oh shit! (mic becomes muffled). Um, sorry. That was my cell phone number.

–Supreme Court Building

Woman on cell: Our codependent lewdity shall rage on, Verizon! Take that!

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McF

Hipsterette to another: Well, you shouldn't have to sleep with someone to find out if he's going to call you back.

–Coffee Shop, Park Slope

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

Conductor: There is a C train just across the platform. For those of you who have a sudden urge for a change of plans and wish to abandon your plans to go to Park Slope tonight, you can hop off here and take the C to East New York. I hope you have a phone to call your family, you won't be home for dinner!

–F Train

Overheard by: Staying on the F

Girl in bathroom stall on cell: Okay, my phone is dying, I will call you later. (pause) Call you from a payphone? I don't know how to use one of those.

–School, Lower Manhattan

Well-dressed woman walking tiny dog, yelling into cell: You know what, John? You can e-mail, don't even call me. I don't want you on my phone. (pause) Hello?

–Columbus Circle

Posted on July 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cell Phone, Columbia University, Conductors, Directions, Family Ties, Girls, Hipsters, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Internet, Lawsuits, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Sex, Street, Stupidity, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words