Wednesday One-Liners Just Do It

20-something on cell: So yeah, I hit a new low. So you know how I had sex with Dan, Steve and Dave? Well, I totally just handled my friend from work who is married and we did it in his daughter's bed. If that doesnt say I'm crazy, I dont know what does? (pause) Are you kidding me? His wife never gives it up, that man busted four times in a matter of minutes.
(pause). Well, that's now four men this week who said I have the best pussy they've had.

–159th & Broadway

Overheard by: morgan

Girl: She was fucking everybody in this city–and no one even liked her!

–Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: bRonwyn

20-something man to girlfriend: You're a grown woman! I can't help it if you're a whore!

–7 Train

Overheard by: becky z-dub

Girl on cell: Wait, so you and Skylar are dating now? Ahh, so exciting! (pause) No, you didn't already tell me. You said that you woke up next to him. Since when does that mean you're dating someone?

–Bedford & 8th

20-something blonde on phone: All those people who laugh and snigger at you only do it because they too have experienced the walk of shame.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Man on phone: I can't be constantly wondering who you're sleeping with! I tell you, I'm tired, I'm old, and I can't do what I'm supposed to do. I'm a good 60, but I ain't good enough to be waking up everyday and chasing you around!

–Coffee shop, Crown Heights

Overheard by: Eric

Hipster on cell: I don't see what's so wrong with going up to someone on the street and saying, "hey, what's up? Let's fuck!" I do it all the time!

–Great Hall, Cooper Union

Overheard by: NYUTSOA12

Posted on November 5, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Brooklyn, Compliments, Dating, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Infidelity, Laughter, Men, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, On the Subway, One Night Stand, One-liners, Pick-up Lines, Promiscuity, Questions, Sex, Soho, Store, Street, Three is Company, Vagina, Weirdness, West Village

Like a Spent Cartridge

Nanny: Do you still like that boy from your class?
Six-year-old girl: No! He stinks.
Nanny: Aww, what happened? He was so cute, I thought.
Six-year-old girl: I know. But he ejected me.
Nanny: Rejected you?
Six-year-old girl: Ejected me!

–Smith & 9th Station

Posted on November 2, 2008
Brooklyn, Gripes, Kids, Love, Nurses, Physical appearance, Words

Wednesday Ugliners

Employee: I was eatin' with my fried Okra and I vomited all over your fetus…and that's why you're so ugly.

–The Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: Dazzle

Girl on cell: Oh, please! That bitch is ugly and her cooch probably smells too, he can have her! Because I don't need him or his greasy ass head or pencil dick. (pause) What? Oh, fuck you also! (hangs up and storms off)

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Rich

Serious gay black man on phone: Oh, please honey…there are just so many ugly white women in Europe…it's got to be something in the water!

–45th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Culturally Challenged

20-something guy on cell: She ain't the prettiest bitch, but she got these crazy little hands.

–Throop & Macon, Bedford-Stuyvesant

Overheard by: elephantgiraffe

Hipster girl: I have ugly friends. I just don't hang out with them on weekends.

–McCarren Park Pool

Overheard by: I don't hang out with ugly people

Attractive tween to friends: And then Lindsay's aunt came into the bathroom to comfort us and said, "pretty people always get blamed for things ugly people do."

–W 65th St. & Columbus Ave

Posted on October 29, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Beauty, Bimbettes, Biotechs, Black People, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Crazies, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Idiots, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Penis, Physical appearance, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queer guys, Race, Sensory Experiences, Store, Street, Stupidity, Stuyvesant Town, The Village, Travel, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Vomit, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Lose Their Mittens

Large man on payphone: I'm gonna kill her, man! I'm gonna fuckin' kill her! Then I'm gonna kill my cousin! I'm gonna go back to my house, kill that bitch, get my fuckin kittens, and kill my cousin! I want my kittens, man!

–SoHo

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

Father to kids: Which would you prefer, kitty casserole or puppy stew?

–72nd & Broadway

Suit: So one time I went into the bathroom and the cat was just like sitting on the toilet so I just unloaded on it. I told my roommate, like, "don't touch the cat" and then later I saw his girlfriend playing with it and hugging and kissing it. It was very funny.

–Downtown 6 Train

Upset-looking college student on cell: Ugh! My cat almost just died…and you're making this about your feelings?!

–Columbia Quad

Student: That's okay, I'll just eat my mom and fuck my cat.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Toddlington

Student: Well, the situation in the essay is hopeless, you know? It's like finding a kitten in the subway and you want to take it with you because kittens just don't belong in the subway. But then you remember that you live in a building that doesn't allow pets and your roommate is allergic. So, your roommate is going to hate you and your landlord is going to evict you. I realize this is a bad example. I just really want a kitten.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Colleen

Posted on October 29, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Beastiality, Brooklyn, College, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Death, Family Ties, Fat People, Food, Gay Man's Best Friend, Kids, Man's Best Friend, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, Parents, Poop, Public Transportation, Soho, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Will Slap You Like a Red-Headed Stepchild

Woman on cell: Shut up! Shut up! I'm going to punch you in the face! I love you.

–A Bus

Spanish chick: Two things can't happen tonight. One, I can't get in a fight tonight. Two, I can't see nobody I don't like.

–5th Ave & 11th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

Homeless, burnt-out surfer lady: Then I looked up, and this cunt is about to hit me like a man!

–139th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jesse Cromer

Guy to girl: The next time your parents chuckle at my misfortunes, I'm gonna kick 'em in the nuts. I'm gonna kill 'em!

–20th St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Jamaican conductor over PA: Don't move between cars while the train is in motion. I don't want to have to knock you the fuck out.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Got Knocked Out

Posted on October 22, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, Brooklyn, Bus, Couples, Family Ties, Fighting and ass kicking, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Kick, Love, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Public Transportation, Punch, Subway conductors, Threats, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Wednesday One-Liners– What the Fudge?

Professor, to deaf student's interpreter: Do you deal with "fuck" and "shit" and all that?

–Pratt Institute

Mother to bickering daughters: Let me tell you something: you two bags are the only motherfuckers I got left!

–21st St & 35th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Daniel Boris Dzula

Young woman in burqa on cell: And Jesus Christ! What the fuck was that bitch thinking?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: ABrooklynBaby'sNanny

Girl on cell: And he said, "I am trying to learn here!" and I said, "fuck you!"

–112 & Broadway

Overheard by: Nathan

Hobo: I was in Nantucket when I lost my bucket! Then I said, "fuck it!"

–Union Square

Overheard by: Stacy

Woman crying to friend: I don't want to do the fucking SAG Awards!

–Bryant Park

Posted on October 22, 2008
Astoria, Brooklyn, Bryant Park, College, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Insults, Jesus, Moms, On Cell, Parks, Questions, Show business, Sisters, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners for LeVar Burton

Chipper, young, possibly gay guy with afro to random woman, after switching seats and moving closer: Sorry to bother you, but I just had to tell you this. I have this book of all these, like, African kings and queens and princesses and stuff. And I just had to tell you that you look just like one of the African queens in it. Like, just like her! Oh, I wish I had the book with me! I would show her to you.

–Q Train

Overheard by: katiek

Super-irate hippie chick in braids, yelling on cell: Thanks to you, everyone thinks I'm a fucking freak. Everyone looks at me like I'm fucking Pearl from the fucking Scarlet Letter!

–Court St & Bergen

Overheard by: Siobhan

Young deli clerk on phone, in confidential tones: William Shakespeare! Shakespeare!

–4th Ave & Bergen St, Boerum Hill

Cockeyed old man in hat to Strand employee: Where are the regular books?

–Strand Bookstore, 12th St & Broadway

Annoying rich girl to friend: So I got a library card so I can read more, but then I realized that I don't like used things and I stopped going.

–Bookstore, 71st St & Lexington

Girl (outside of her AP English classroom): Wait…Huck Finn never had syphilis!

–Stuyvesant High School

Woman to friend helping her find a book: You don't have to worry about giving away the ending. I know what happens to those six million people.

–The Strand

Posted on October 22, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hippies, History & Geography, Hitler/Nazis, Money & Class, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Rich people, STDs, Store, Stupidity, Stuyvesant, Stuyvesant Town, The Village, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

He Says I Always Smell Skanktastic

Chick #1: It smells like bathroom deodorizer in here.
Chick #2: I was spraying so much cheap perfume on my crotch today that my roommate finally came in and told me to stop. I was so nervous because I'm meeting my ex-boyfriend later, and the cheap stuff doesn't last long.

–Bedford Ave

Overheard by: akesmith

Posted on October 20, 2008
Bimbettes, Brooklyn, Hook Ups, Sensory Experiences, Vagina

Hey, You're the One Who Said Hot-Pink Rhinestones Were Coming Back

Girl #1, coming out of bar: Oh my god, can you believe he thought I was interested in him? My tastes are way better than that!
Girl #2: And yet you bought that jacket.
Girl #1: What did you say?
Girl #2: Nothing…

–Bedford & 9th St

Overheard by: I agree with your friend

Posted on October 19, 2008
Beauty, Brooklyn, Clothing, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Questions