Compare/Contrast

Which Expains Anglina Jolie

Man #1, in chaise lounge: Men and women have totally different criteria for attractiveness.
Man #2, also in chaise lounge: How so?
Man #1: A guy can look like a fucking bullfrog in a Beatle wig, but if he's charming and especially if he has money, women will be all over him.
Man #2: Yeah, especially if he has money.
Man #1: But let's say a really hot chick walked past us right now in a thong, and another woman says to us, “watch out for her, she's been in and out of mental institutions.”
Man #2: We'd still want to fuck her.
Man #1: Exactly.
Man #2: Point well taken.

–Douglaston, Queens

Overheard by: Big Larry

Vegetarians Won't Eat Anything with a Wednesday One-Liner

(man standing on bus gets a little too close to the man sitting in front of him)
Sitting man: Wrong person, right day. Son, do not put your genitals in my face!

–M101 Bus

(skateboarder tries to do a trick on the curb and flies face-first onto pavement)
Skateboarding friend, checking on him: Dude! His face looks like a clitoris!

–Union Square

Overheard by: I Looked Away

Crazy man to another: What the fuck's the matter with your face, man? You look like a fuckin' Rottweiler! Shit!

–Q Train

Creepy doorman to male tourist: If you wake up in the morning with a bush in front of your face, don't ask any questions.

–30 Rock

Overheard by: MusicMagGirl

A Piñata Full Of Wednesday One-Liners

Eight-year-old boy, matter-of-factly, to dorky dad: Mexican people like to put animals on their shoulders.

–108 St & Broadway

Black guy to white woman: Anyway, it turns out–and this is really weird–in Texas, they hate Mexicans as much as they hate African Americans!

–17th St & 8th Ave

Man to another: I just want to be gang-raped by a group of Latinos.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Mike

Exasperated woman to friend: And this is why I don't interfere when it comes to Mexicans!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Green Star

10-year-old to friend: You have the same name as a short, fat Mexican boy!

–Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick

Latino gay to white gay: You have good genes, you just don't have the Latino gene that makes your face moisturize naturally. I'm like the Dick Clark of faggotry!

–12th & 1st

Overheard by: H-Bomb

Teen to friend: Make sure that you're in Guatemalan mode.

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jeremy

Wednesday Keeps Popping Out One-Liners

Drunk woman to another: Well, I will see your divorce and raise you an illegitimate pregnancy!

–Court St & Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn

Girl to super skinny girl: You look pregnant, I think I have a clothes hanger in my locker. You wanna come up and check with me?

–1st Ave & 3rd St

Dad holding baby to wife with another kid in stroller: Somebody's about to get pregnant up in here… It'll be like Maury Povich.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: NOT the father

Dude on bus to child: See, women, they get to grow people. And in exchange, we get to pee standing up.

–Q64 Bus

Overheard by: a people-grower

Girl to friend: You always seem to get pregnant at the worst times.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: Jenn

Girl to friend: I'm feeling fertile. Who's going to tend to that feeling for me?

–2 Train

Latino guy to friends: That's what my name means in Portuguese, "pregnancy test positive."

–84th Drive, Queens

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Have Room in Their Closets Anymore

Gay guy to friend: I woke up this morning with a condom hanging out my butt. Was that you?

–Madison Square Park

Gay 30-something: Ugh, Borat quotes are like the UGG boot of conversation.

–Broadway & Spring

Really gay guy to friend: You don't know about the Holy Trinity? It's Liza, Judy and Barbra!

–Fort Washington Ave. & 183rd St

Overheard by: RED

Flamboyant gay: My hair's too straight. I need to gay it up a bit.

–Bryant Park

Flamboyant guy: My life in New York has been more fabulous than I ever thought! I almost hit Elaine Stritch with a car this weekend!

–W 18th St

Overheard by: Dan Friedman

Another Thing Nobody Tells You About Childbirth

Girl #1: She smelled like vagina.
Girl #2: What?
Girl #3: No, she smelled like bloody vagina.

–Union Square

Oh, You'll Pray for Cancer

Jewish woman: You bought the wrong kind of challah!
Jewish man: So what? It's not the worst thing.
Jewish woman: Yes it is!
Jewish man: Is it worse than cancer?

–Union Turnpike, Queens

The Wayans Brothers Are the Most Important Social Commentators Of Our Time

Older hipster film snob: I am trying to watch all those movies they made about the Iraq War in the last few years. I just finished rendition and I thought Stop Loss was this really poignant picture of the way soldiers have dealt with the renewed tours.
Friend: Oh, yeah? You know what movie looks really good? I think it is still in theaters. Dance Flick.

–Metropolitan Museum of Art

…God, I Envy Her!

Girl: And she was like “I usually only play the nice girls, so I'm excited to play someone sinister.”
Gay guy, laughing out loud: Did she actually say that? I hate her!
Girl: I know, right? And she has no butt, either! It's just like, flat. What would that look like? Not that anyone should have to imagine her naked.
Gay guy: It's like…a cube. (both laugh)

–Metro North

Their Homoerotic Catalogs, Then?

Unenthusiastic bro: It smells like fruit.
Overexcited skank: No! It smells like Abercrombie.

–56th St & 5th Ave

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