Friends

Wednesday One-Liners Symbolically Take Back the Power

Black dude to friend: Well, check this out my nigga! Cracking your knuckles does not lead to arthritis… Mythbusters, my nigga!

–Park Slope

Black pimp on cell: That nigger ain't even give you a little nigga baby. All that nigga ever do is just fuck you and leave your ass, bitch. You got a child yoself, take care of your real nigga baby, because that's the nigga who keeps with you. That nigga won't fuck any other sluts. (notices everybody's staring at him) What the fuck y'all niggas lookin at?

–Social Security Office, East Village

Would-be feminist: Pussy don't have no power no more, because if it did, niggas wouldn't be doin' what they do.

–Jefferson Ave & Throop Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jocasta Spell

Polish woman, walking up to group of ghetto fabs: Yo' wut up, my niggas? (pounds fist with ghetto fab guy)

–Delancy St

Overheard by: Kirkegaard

Crazy black man on phone: When you talk like that I'm gonna call you the N-word! (pause) Don't talk like that! (pause) I want to have sex with you.

–Murray Hill

Wednesday One-Liners for Tara Reid

Girl on cell: I'll adopt it, the state gives you money for retarded kids.

–48th & 6th

Guy to friend, disdainfully: And she's always like, "I work with Down syndrome kids," at… computer camp or some shit.

–4th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Shannon

Girl: I think he is sexually retarded.

–5th Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Abdul Marcos

Glitzed up Jersey girl to friends: I look so good right now, it's retarded.

–Ladies Room, Penn Station

Older man on cell: My dog has one of those retard vests, he can get into any restaurant in New York.

–W 23rd St & 6th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Adjust Their Fannypacks and Re-fold Their Maps

Hyper tourist to friend: Wow! A shoe repair shop? Can we go? Please? Come on, don't you have some shoes you want shined?

–74th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Raven

Enlightened tourist: Oh! So Broadway's not just one place? It's a series of buildings? Oh, I see!

–46th & Broadway

Tourist woman walking off Brooklyn Bridge: Wow, look at how nice this is! I can't believe we paid only $24 for it!

–Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: D-Law

Tourist to another: There are so many yellow cars in New York City.

–42nd & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Lisa

Tourist: Not until high school did I know buses could make turns!

–E Train

Overheard by: Probably had to repeat a few grades

Tourist exiting subway: Did anyone lose a pass? Because I just found one.

–103rd & Broadway

And, Also, That I Be White.

Asian teen to black friend: So my grandmother is making me learn Chinese. Does she not get that I don't wish to visit, let alone live, in China?! Like ever?
Black friend: I hear you loud and clear. Ever since Obama became President my granny has not stopped requesting that I birth her great grandchildren in Hawaii with a Kenyan diplomat.

–1 Train

Overheard by: well good luck to you

On the Other Hand, “Bjork” Sounds Like a Gay Sex Act

Young gay man: The only woman I would have sex with is Bjork.
Disgruntled friend: What? That's like a lesbian saying she'd go hetero for Andy Dick!

–A Train

Overheard by: trainspotter

Wednesdays Have “The Last Supper” on Their One-Liners

Guy: Do I look like I ordered strawberries and cream? I have tattoos on my head and face!

–Starbucks

Being a full-time tranny is like having a tattoo on your forehead. Like, you can't work, like, what do you do?

–Brooklyn

Customer to another, about barber: Take him for example, he was in the special forces. He's got a big tattoo on his arm that says, "Kill 'em all, let god sort 'em out." Drop him off in Prospect Park today and tomorrow he'll be eating a sandwich.

–Park Slope Barber Shop

Overheard by: ian daywalker

Chatty young woman to bored-looking guy friend: You know, my shoes would really look a lot better if I had a foot tattoo.

–D Train

Man with tattoo that reads "don't go to hell" to friend: There's a funny story behind this tattoo. I was dating this bitch, and she would wake up every morning and suck my dick. Or fuck the shit out of me. And then tell me I was going to hell. You have no idea what this bitch put me through. I mean, sexually, she was great. We'd go out to bars and both of us would pick up chicks, so that by the end of the night we'd have two or three women hanging around us trying to go home with us.

–Chipotle

Overheard by: Jana

More Than George W. Bush Has Admitted

Homeboy #1: You lie.
Homeboy #2: I don't.
Homeboy #1: You so lie.
Homeboy #2: I don't lie.
Homeboy #1: You lie. You lie. You lie. You lie.
Homeboy #2: I do not lie.
Homeboy #2: You stretch the truth.
Homeboy #2: Well. Now you're talkin'.

–10th & 57th

But It's the New Trend in Long-Distance Relationships!

Angry young man: She fucking broke up with me over a handjob!
Impassive friend: Well, how did that happen?
Angry young man: I was about to cum, and she was there, right there!, you know? Between my legs! So I told her I was going to, and she just fuckin' stared at me. I was like, “Baby, this is coming.” Seriously. It does happen. “Lift your shirt up or something,” I said to her. You know? And she just, fuckin', on her knees, shuffles backwards and to her left–a good three yards away- still whacking me off. So, I'm like, “Baby, what the fuck? You can't give a handjob from across the room.” You know, dude? That's like one of those fucking old people extending claw arm shits jerking you off from the corner when you're sitting in the center of your room! Fuck, dude!
Impassive friend, laughing: Yo, I'd blue-ball you, too, if you called me a fucking robot while I was getting you off!

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: FrankALank

Insists on Wearing Crocs

Friend pushing cart to little girl: Get your feet out of the way! C'mon!
Mom of little girl: No, it's okay. She don't love her feet.

–F Train

Overheard by: Jaxx

Who Wears the Pants in Your Wednesday One-Liners?

Older man: If you drank a thousand gallons of beer, and then took off your pants…

–79th & West End

Girl to guy with beavers on pants: Excuse me, are those beavers on your pants?

–6 Train

20-something preppy girl on cell: Whenever I'm cheating on my boyfriend, I take off my pants and pretend to be an albino bunny.

–Central Park

Overheard by: that one girl

Guy on cell: If I don't get in her pants tonight, I'm gonna fuck you up!

–1st Ave

Aging drag queen to friend: It's much better than sick obsessions with blond males between the ages of 18 and 25 who always take their pants off to play GameCube.

–The Village

Overheard by: Amused NYU Tischie

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