If I Could Grunt and Squeak and Squawk With the Wednesday One-Liners

Middle aged man: So all you gotta do is pick up a gray squirrel holding an acorn, squeeze his belly, and hear him make real squirrel chatter.

–92nd & Lexington

Latina girl on cell: Chill the fuck out! Groundhog Day isn't till like June or some shit!

–PETCO, Union Square

Overheard by: Max

Girl: I tried a lot of things before I started kicking small animals.

–15th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Rijita

20-something guy to another: They cost a lot but they live forever. If you get a group of like 20 elephants, you're invincible.

–1 Train

Female student: But how else would you transport the elephant?

–34th St b/w Park & Madison Ave

Eight-year-old boy, running hellbent through playground, to friend: I could tell you about Archelon, the largest evolved turtle, but there isn't time.

–Riverdale

Overheard by: Someone else's mom

Guy on cell: It was kind of like sexually penetrating cows…

–E 55th St

Overheard by: TiffanyLyn

Posted on April 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Beastiality, Body Parts, Celebrations/Parties, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Kick, Kids, Latinos, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Questions, Store, Street, Students, The Bronx, Time, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday Feel Trapped in a One-Liner's Body

Ghetto lady to another: Her son is a lesbian!

–Port Authority Bus Station

Suit to friend: Did I ever tell you about the time I ran into a Dunkin Donuts Drive Thru window with a transvestite in my back seat?

–N Train

Overheard by: Tater

Cop: The trannies hate the DVDs. They just can't get along. They hate each other more than the Bloods and the Crips!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jon A.

Girl on cell: He just turned around and slipped into the skirt, and I just had to tell him! (pause) No, it didn't flatter his figure.

–Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center

Crazy guy, pointing to girl sitting on fireplug: She's a man! That girl's a man! She's a man! Heh, heh…okay, stay there, I'll be right back. (pause) To punch you in the face!

–23rd & 7th

Overheard by: EthanK

Guy on phone: First you wanted to be a car salesman, and now you want to be drag queen?

–31st b/w 9th &10th

Overheard by: roommate of guy on phone

Posted on April 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Comebacks, Compliments, Cops, Crazies, Family Ties, Film, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Jobs & Careers, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Port Authority, Punch, Sexuality, Suits, Threats, Trannies, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesdays Could Use Their One-Liners As Walking Sticks

Man on cell: Well, at least my dick will finally seem bigger!

–Prince St. & W Broadway

Overheard by: Johnny

Puerto Rican lady on phone to pal: Yo, his dick was mad little, yo! My son's dick is bigger than that!

–Broadway & Havemeyer, Brooklyn

Teen on cell: And you have a small penis. And you're gay.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: And I Thought My Day Wasn't Going Well

Black gay guy on cell: I feel so sorry for guys with small penises. Here I am, with a 12 inch dick and I don't even use it.

–Penn Station

Man on cell: You're dumping me because my dick is 11 inches and it's too big? That doesn't make any sense!

–Lorimer & Maujer

Overheard by: was this a lame attempt to hit on me?

Petite yuppie on phone: Oh my god! It was so small I tried so hard not to laugh! But then I decided to boost his spirit and I said to him, "is it because it's cold in here?" (pause) Yeah, you're right, that couldn't have possibly boosted anything at all. Dinner was good, though.

–N Train

Overheard by: Mefisto

Posted on April 8, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Gays and Lesbians, Height, Laughter, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Penis, Penn Station, Puerto Ricans, Queer guys, Questions, Sex, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Train Station, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women, Yuppies

Now Playing: Wednesday One-Liners

Moviegoer: Come on, I wanna see this potentially shitty movie!

–AMC Loews, 68th & Broadway

Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman

Guy on phone: I'm not trying to have sex with you, I just really want to see The Dark Knight.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Ross

Movie theater employee: I don't go to the movies. I watch them on the internet.

–AMC Loews, Lincoln Square

Overheard by: Holly

Guy on cell: Okay, love you, bye… Oh, and the reason she says "Foxy, you better work it out!" is because that's the name of her character in the movie.

–62nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Richard

Nerdy film major: Silent Night, Deadly Night II is the worst movie ever. It's so bad it's amazing. There's something cathartic about watching it; you leave thinking, "there is a god!"

–NYU Dining Hall

Guy leaving The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: You have to be some kind of anti-Christ to write a movie that retarded.

–AMC Loews, 68th & Broadway

Overheard by: Mark Nilges

Girl, as credits roll at the end of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Wow…they both lived way too long.

–AMC Loews, 68th & Broadway

Posted on April 8, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Film, Girls, God, Guys, Insults, Internet, Movie Theaters, Movies, Nerds, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Religion, Retardation, Sex, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Harry Wednesday and the Half-Blood One-Liner

Chick on cell: Look, there are only two people other than me who can construct a sentence that awesome: Severus Snape and Keith Olbermann, and one of them isn't even real!

–18th & 6th

Middle-aged man on cell: Hey man, guess what. I just saw Harry Potter's magic wand!

—Equus, Broadhurst Theatre

Overheard by: Kilfy

Chick on cell: Is he one of Voldemort's friends from high school?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Loud girl to friend: Because seriously, how many real redheads do we actually know? And Ron Weasley doesn't count!

–NYU

IT VP: This guy at work told me the ending to the last Harry Potter book before I read it. So I fired him.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Jason E

Posted on April 8, 2009
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Books & Writing, Bosses, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Friends, Friendship, Girls, Hair, Jobs & Careers, Magic, Men, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Questions, School and studying, Store, Theater, Wednesday One-Liners

Man's Best Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: You know I can't come over, I'm a daddy now! I have a dog! He needs me 24/7. I can't leave his sight, not even for a second! I'm just out for a moment to buy him some food, but other than that…

–Crosstown Bus

Souvenir seller: Get your doggy diary! Get your puppy program! Get your beagle bible! Get your bulldog blog!

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Man at payphone: They tried to catch the hero dog, but he ran away.

–107 & West End

Overheard by: kdub

Half tone-deaf guy with guitar, singing: I'll marry you for your Green card, but I'll sleep with your sister cause she's prettier than you. She's 75 years old, never been touched by a man, let alone a dog…

–1 Train

Overheard by: CreateEvity

Man leaning out of car, to man walking Schnauzer: Excuse me…that's a Marmaduke?

–3rd Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jeff S.

Woman on cell: If I don't get a dog soon I'm totally going to get pregnant.

–Wall Street

Posted on April 1, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Food, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Infidelity, Internet, Madison Square Garden, Man's Best Friend, Marriage, Men, Musicians, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Sex, Singing, Strangers, Street, Stupidity, Time, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

Take Wednesday One-Liners and Call Me in the Morning

Dude on cell: I have meningitis! I have SARS! (several people look at him in concern) That's what you tell them! Just get out of doing it somehow!

–Amtrak Train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Momentarily Panicked

Irate old lady on cell: What are you talking about? She's supposed to be taking the train. (pause) What? The flu? Tell her to shove it up, I'm getting really sick of this. What kind of flu? Does she have diarrhea? A fever? Is she sneezing, coughing?

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Woman to husband: Deaf people can't hear.

–MoMA

Whiny preteen: Mom, I have diabetes. I'm not even playing around right now–I have diabetes.

–Marquis Theatre

Overheard by: Just here to see the show…

Girl on phone: I don't think I have rabies…do you think I have rabies?

–Columbia University

Dunkin' Donuts employee, sneezing near donuts, to customer: Don't worry, I work better when I'm sick.

–Dunkin' Donuts

Posted on April 1, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Clerks, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Customers, Girls, Guys, Handicaps, Illness, Jobs & Careers, MoMA, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, Theater, Trains Not Subway, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday-One-Liner Me, Kate

Black lesbian hipster: Don't, like, kiss me or look into my eyes…just fuck me and then buy me lunch.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Helena the Great

Little boy to sister, watching couple kissing and hugging: Ewwwwww! He kissed her!

–3rd Ave & 34th St

Overheard by: Valley

Guy on cell: So then if she has herpes, should I not kiss her?

–PATH Train

Woman to toddler: Yes, it's good. It's very good. Kissing and hugging are good.

–Eldridge St, Chinatown

Overheard by: wheelerface

Dad, to teenage son: Hey, Karen kissed me. And it was real.

–E 20th St

Overheard by: Angela

250-pound male Metro worker, singing gruffly: I kissed a girl and I liked it!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Chis K

Posted on April 1, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Chinatown, Clerks, College, Dads, Fat People, Food, Grand Central, Guys, Hipsters, Hugs, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Kids, Lesbians, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Sex, Sisters, STDs, Street, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

What's Wednesday One-Liner Got to Do with Tit?

Heavy woman lugging suitcase to friends ahead of her: Wait! My breasts are falling out of my bra! I need help!

–Union Square

Overheard by: kpan

Girl walking through hall: So are your tits getting bigger?

–Fordham Lincoln Center Dorms

Overheard by: Growing pains

Girl on phone: Take my ass and add your boobs and it's like a wet dream in this neighborhood.

–Orchard & Rivington

Overheard by: Julie

Guy smoking outside Starbucks: Well, we didn't have sex, but I did see her tits…in my head

–36th & 7th

Overheard by: Top Chef

English teacher: We're like cows, milking the intellectual tits of our minds.

–LaGuardia High School

Posted on April 1, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Ass, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Chinatown, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Fast Times at New York High, Fat People, Fordham, Girls, Guys, Height, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Questions, Rack, Sex, Street, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

One Pill Makes You Wednesday and One Pill Makes You One-Liners

Young hipster to friend: Remember when we sat there, I was high on Vicodin and we saw that guy take a shit in the fountain?

–Union Square Greenmarket

Rich woman yelling on phone: I don't care about your stupid laws or ethics or whatever. (pause) No, I pay you too much money not to get the goddamn drugs I want. (pause) Just write the fucking prescriptions and send them! What the fuck kind of drug dealing doctor are you?

–Metro North Train

Loud lady on cell on escalator: I'm on all these medications you're not supposed to be on when you're pregnant!

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Visiting Kiran

Jock: Nothing's as bad as being allergic to Viagra, man!

–NYU Bus

Lady of indeterminate age: A craving is just a thought on steroids.

–26th st & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Lucky Gunther

Obese woman to male friend: I need to get some Viagra from my dad.

–17th St & 8th Ave