Same Reason You Aren't Homeschooling Him

Angry parent: So what you are telling me is you know nothing about how my son's face got bruised.
Teacher: No, ma'am. Like I said, it happened at recess. I am on my lunch during their recess.
Angry parent: So you weren't there? You didn't see nothing?
Teacher: I did not see anything. I was not there. I was on my lunch.
Angry parent: So you wasn't there? You is his teacher but you's not with him all day?
Teacher: No ma'am. If I were with these students all day, I would kill myself.

–Public School, Bronx

Posted on March 28, 2009
Kids, Parents, Questions, School, School and studying, Suicide, Teachers/Professors, The Bronx, Violence

Let's Chip in and Get Wednesday One-Liners a GPS for Christmas

Confused American: I used to think Atlantic City was in Atlantic State.

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: MBS

Drunk guy: I don't understand why people are giving Sarah Palin so much grief over that Russia thing. It really *is* pretty close to Alaska.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Emily B.

Anti-McCain dude to another: Man, Sarah Palin is crazy. Yo, she's just crazy. Why did John McCain even pick her? She's not even an American citizen, she's Alaskan!

–The Bronx

Nervous white lady: Um, is the Broadway/Lafayette stop coming up soon?

–Uptown 1 Train

UPS guy to lost tourists: I'm not a GPS! I'm the UPS!

–Prince & Lafayette

Overheard by: dee

Posted on March 18, 2009
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Crazy, Democrats, Directions, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Guys, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Politics, Public Transportation, Questions, Soho, Street, Stupidity, The Bronx, Tourism, Tourists, U.S. Geography, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, White People, Women

Wednesday One-Eyed-Trouser-Snake-Liners

Middle aged woman on cell: You will never see your penis again! No more penis! Is that punishment enough for you?

–82nd & Columbus Ave

Black man to friend: None of them jeans fit, cuz my cock is just too huge, nigga!

–Steve & Barrys, Mariners Harbor Staten Island

Overheard by: Samantha

Sister to brother leaning on her crossed leg: Excuse me, I feel like your pee-pee is resting on my foot.

–7 Train

Latina to friend: He did everything short of taking out his penis and smacking him with it!

–Jerome Ave, the Bronx

Chick: Man, I just feel like there are a lot of penises and penis information in my life lately.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Meister E.

Middle aged man on cell: But does she know about King Dong, the penis pump?

–Stuyvesant St, Manhattan

Posted on March 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Brothers, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crime and Punishment, Friends, Girls, Height, Latinos, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penis, Questions, Sex, Sisters, Staten Island, Street, Stuyvesant Town, The Bronx, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Growers, Not Showers

Bouncer on phone: I don't care if they is balding, got big guts or little dicks!

–Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: chiddox

Flaming gay man to lover: You have a small dick that never gets erect, and you are not in my will!

–Avenue St John & Kelly Streets, Bronx

Overheard by: Li'l Squeaker

Hobo: Stop controlling my eyeballs to look at your dick!

–Times Square

30-something man: Waaaaait, did they say "dick in cider" or "dick inside her"?

–7th St & St. Mark's

Overheard by: Juicy

High school kid: I wish I had two dicks. (pause) So both of my hands have something to do in class.

–Q27 Bus Stop

Overheard by: cough.cough.cough

Woman on phone: It's not about you, it's about your small dick.

–Times Square

Girl to friend: So you're going to tutor his dick, right?

–University & 10th St

Posted on March 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Body Parts, Bouncers, Couples, Erections, Frat Boys, Friends, Girls, Height, Hobos, Masturbation, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Penis, Queer guys, Questions, School and studying, Sex, The Bronx, The Village, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Waxing, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

I'd Love To, Baby, but My Wednesday One-Liner Won't Let Me Date

Train conductor: East Broadway, welcome to Manhattan. Especially you, tourists, you put my wife on the table–I mean, uh…my food.

–F Train

Overheard by: penelope

Petite 30-something washing clothes: Oh, no! His wife's gonna be there. I gotta get some razor blades.

–Laundry Mat, Broadway & Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Matt

Middle aged suit to another: So the main problem my girlfriend and I have is that I really get along with my wife.

–A Train

Overheard by: Suzi

Thug to friend: There's just one thing I want people to say about my wife. Not that she's pretty, or that she's nice. I want them to say, "man, that nigga's wife's got a fat ass!"

–Grand Concourse

Cop to crowd: I suggest you use the other crosswalk, it's less congested. Stay here, risk your life…over there, save your wife!

–Radio City Music Hall

Man on cell: You don't love your wife?! (pause) Fuck you!

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Amina

Posted on February 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Beauty, Brooklyn, Compliments, Conductors, Cops, Food, Friends, Infidelity, Insults, Laundromat, Love, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Rockefeller Center, Sex, Stab, Strangers, Street, Suits, The Bronx, Theater, Threats, Thugs, Tourism, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday May Have Soiled Its One-Liners

Man on cell: She said I had to pay, so I shat in her mouth and left.

–34th & 5th

Three-year-old boy, looking overjoyed: I have to go poop!

–Store, 18th & Union Square West

Overheard by: i had to go, too!

Woman getting on train, giggling: I got a question…is there a pile of feces on this train?

–A Train

Elderly man on phone: Yesterday I coughed and shat my pants.

–3rd Ave & Fordham

Four-year-old boy, dancing: I like to move it, move it! I like to poop it, poop it!

–E 69th St McDonald's

Overheard by: Leslie

Brunette on cell: And then I told her, "hey hey, I'm not the fecal freak here. Don't go throwing poo at me." I mean really, I don't even like my own poo. I'm supposed to like hers?

–Williamsburg

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Clothing, Girls, Happiness, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Men, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Street, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

A Brief History Of Wednesday One-Liners

Suit: The ancients left records all over the place. Look at the pyramids, dickhead.

–83rd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: EthanK

Drunk guy, as '80s song plays on jukebox: '80s music was so inspirational, cuz they knew Reaganomics wasn't gonna work. '90s, we were in a boom so it was like, "don't forget how bad things are!" Now music just sucks, cuz everything sucks.

–The Punch Bowl, 238th & Broadway, The Bronx

Overheard by: Kyle Crocodile

Preppy blond guy: Wow, I didn't realize The Great Depression was so bad!

–Columbia Law School

Drunk hobo yelling at sidewalk: Fuck those guys! They can't fire me! They need me! What the fuck? I built those temples, goddamnit! Those Mayans need me! I'm the only one who built those temples!

–23rd b/w 4th & 5th

Wisdom-sharing mother of two: Well, of course socks were invented first! Soccer was invented before shoes and they wore socks to play it! Why do you think it's called soccer? They were wearing socks long before they were wearing shoes.

–Restaurant, Columbus Ave

Girl: Wait! George Washington is Johnny Appleseed, right?

–Stuyvesant High School

Posted on February 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Crazy, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Guys, History & Geography, Hobos, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, One-liners, Politics, Preppies, Questions, Religion, Restaurants & Cafes, Shoes, Sports, Street, Stupidity, Stuyvesant, Suits, The Bronx, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Just Wait 'Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners Of Your Own!

Stroller mom admonishing toddler: Connor! Connor, stop that now. Connor, I'm going to count to three…in French. Un, deux, trois.

–Broadway & 93rd St

Father, teaching five-year-old son to urinate in the street: Okay, son, now you've gotta shake it.

–Fordham Road

Mom to seven-year-old daughter, on Yom Kippur: Only you could complicate a bagel purchase.

–Absolute Bagels, 108th & Broadway

Yuppie mommy to naughty child: Stop it! Stop acting up! Look, this is the reason people don't have kids.

–Starbucks

Woman to young sons: You see that boy in that other train over there? I'm gonna give him your present if you don't be quiet.

–6 Train

Father to three rowdy children: You guys are gonna need to calm down, this is gonna be a two hour ride and there is no bar car on this train. Which is unfair to daddies with 3 kids.

–Grand Central

Posted on January 28, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Dads, Education, Family Ties, Gifts, Glad the Condom Broke, Grand Central, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Languages, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Pee, Penis, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Questions, Shopping, Should've Used a Condom, Starbucks, Store, Street, The Bronx, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Women, Yuppies

Wait– Didn't You Give Your Mom Hoop Earrings for Christmas?

Girl, telling joke: A seven-year-old daughter said to her mother: “Today in school I learned where babies come from.”
Mother: Oh, really?
Daughter: Yea, a mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, the mommy makes the dad happy and his thingy stands up a little. Then the mommy puts the thingy in her mouth and the thingy stands up all the way and explodes, and that's where babies come from.
Mother: No, honey, that's where jewelry comes from.
(laughs)
Guy listening, with horrified face: Wait a second, my mom has a shitload of jewelry. Oh, goddammit, eewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Girl: I'm never going to look at your mom the same way ever again.

–Arthur Avenue

Overheard by: Reza Daneshvar

Posted on January 6, 2009
BJs, Cum, Families, Family Ties, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Kids, Laughter, Moms, Penis, School and studying, Sex, The Bronx, Weirdness