Wednesday One-Liners Buy Hardware for Their Software

Large black lesbian to friends going into a sex shop: I don't wanna see no dildos unless I'm being fucked!

–Greenwich Village

Overheard by: J.D.

Mormon girl, loudly agreeing with friend: Yeah, I know, I know! I didn't even know what a dildo was until I got here! Like, freshman year!

–Outside Lerner Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: But what about a vibrator?

Loudest black girl in group of loud black teens: What I recommend, to every fuckin' nigga, is the vibratin' cock ring.

–14th St, Outside Urban Outfitters

Overheard by: Now curious about cockrings

Loud tourist girl: But Susan's butt-plug was only $75.

–Orchard & Rivington

Overheard by: MattyB

Man with thick Brooklyn accent on cell: I got the thing…yes the fuckin thing for the thing…yes, but I'm tellin' you the fuckin thing is definitely not big enough for her.

–31st St & 7th Ave

30-something woman to friend: So, between the time I got back from the meeting and the time you called me, I used my vibrator three times. (pauses and realizes everyone on the train is listening) Oh. Did I say that really loudly?

–D Train

Posted on October 29, 2008
Advice, Ass, Biotechs, Black People, Christians, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Dildos and Vibrators, Fat People, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Lesbians, Lower East Side, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Sex, Store, Street, Teens, The Village, Time, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Lose Their Mittens

Large man on payphone: I'm gonna kill her, man! I'm gonna fuckin' kill her! Then I'm gonna kill my cousin! I'm gonna go back to my house, kill that bitch, get my fuckin kittens, and kill my cousin! I want my kittens, man!

–SoHo

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

Father to kids: Which would you prefer, kitty casserole or puppy stew?

–72nd & Broadway

Suit: So one time I went into the bathroom and the cat was just like sitting on the toilet so I just unloaded on it. I told my roommate, like, "don't touch the cat" and then later I saw his girlfriend playing with it and hugging and kissing it. It was very funny.

–Downtown 6 Train

Upset-looking college student on cell: Ugh! My cat almost just died…and you're making this about your feelings?!

–Columbia Quad

Student: That's okay, I'll just eat my mom and fuck my cat.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Toddlington

Student: Well, the situation in the essay is hopeless, you know? It's like finding a kitten in the subway and you want to take it with you because kittens just don't belong in the subway. But then you remember that you live in a building that doesn't allow pets and your roommate is allergic. So, your roommate is going to hate you and your landlord is going to evict you. I realize this is a bad example. I just really want a kitten.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Colleen

Posted on October 29, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Beastiality, Brooklyn, College, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Death, Family Ties, Fat People, Food, Gay Man's Best Friend, Kids, Man's Best Friend, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, Parents, Poop, Public Transportation, Soho, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

The City Has Something for Everyone

Large black girl: Damn, elephant dicks is so disgusting! I don't want no uncircumcised dicks! (to white guy walking by) I know you is circumcised, baby!
White guy (without slowing down): Long and cut.
Large black girl: Damn! I want me a dick like that!

–Outside Veniero's, 11th St

Overheard by: Just here for coffee

Posted on October 28, 2008
Black People, Circumcision, Fat People, Penis, Restaurants & Cafes, Union Square and East Village, White People, Wishes & desires

Looking for a Date, Wednesday One-Liners?

White guy to friend: Do they eat Thai hookers? I'd eat a Thai hooker.

–47th & Lexington

30-something pudgy guy: So this girl was eyeing me the whole night, and it turns out she was a prostitute! And I was like, "Man! I thought she really liked me!"

–Bleecker St & 6th Ave

Girl in tight purple dress and too much makeup, shouting to friend: I am not a prostitute. I'm a ho!

–Phone Booth, Coney Island

Overheard by: not going there

Mom to son: I'm not a two-dollar hooker! More like a…hundred thousand dollar one.

–Park Ave

Elderly man to another: You just can't run a country like a whorehouse.

–12th St & Ave A

Girl on cell: You stole my secret prostitute name!

–7th Ave & LeRoy St

Posted on October 22, 2008
Alphabet City, Bimbettes, Compare/Contrast, Coney Island, Ethnic Food, Families, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Names, Old People, On Cell, Politics, Prostitution, Questions, The Village, Thievery, Weirdness, White People

Bust a Lawyer in Her Ass

Short Latina: …and you know what, if she keeps on doing what she doing, I'm a put a sue on her.
Fat Latina: Mmm-hmmm!

–100th & Lexington

Posted on October 2, 2008
Crime and Punishment, Default, Fat People, Girls, Latinos, Threats, Upper East Side

It's Like Riding a Moped… Fun Till Your Friends See You

Overweight effeminate guy: Listen, if I'm gonna have sex with a fat chick, no one is gonna know about it.
Fag hag: Well, what's the point if no one will ever know?

–W Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: Dopeman

Headline by: winona

Runners-Up:
· “For the Tax Deduction.” – KJM
· “I Prefer My Charitable Donations to Be Anonymous” – Give’til it hurts
· “It Builds Character?” – Underweight effeminate guy
· “See If the Judge Will Take It As Your Community Service” – Kenneth
· “Shake Your Harpoon and Say, “Thar, She Blew Me”” – Professor Coldheart
· “Why Billy Wasn’t Able To Stay in the Closet for Very Long” – J

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on September 22, 2008
Diet/Weight, Fag Hags, Fat People, Guys, Headline Contest Winners, Offers and requests, Queer guys, Questions, Sex, The Village

Aw Sweetie, Someday You'll Meet a Man Who'll Love You for Your Rib Cage

Chubby 20-something girl in skintight tracksuit: It is so effing cold out here! I'm freezing my tits off!
Rail thin friend: Really? I'm not.
Chubby girl: That's because you don't have any tits, idiot!
Rail thin friend, quietly: Oh…yeah…

–Central Park

Overheard by: I was freezing my tits off too

Posted on September 20, 2008
Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Default, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Insults, Nipples, Sensory Experiences, Weather

Wednesday One-Liners Live in Upscale Packing Crates

Crazy hobo outside strip club: Good morning! (girl ignores him) I said "Good morning!" (girl keeps walking, not looking at him) Fine! I take it back!

–Broadway & 53rd St

Overheard by: JoBell

Bag lady to tourists: Hey, people! Welcome to New York City! Can you buy me a hot dog?

–Wall Street

Hobo: Hey! Can I borrow fifty million dollars for the weekend?!

–14th St

Hobo on train: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please! My name is Al, but you can caaaaaaaaalllllll me…homeless.

–L Train

Homeless guy: Hi everyone, my name is Eddie. Some people call me Homeless Ed, or Homeless for short. I know some of you hate homeless people. I didn't use to be homeless. I had a house, a job, and even a girlfriend. And my girlfriend had a girlfriend, so here I am.

–Uptown F Train

Lispy overweight hobo: Hey, sweetie! If I do some scenes from Days of Our Lives, will you help me out with two dollars?

–W 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Emily B.

Posted on September 10, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, Bars & Clubs, Crazies, Fat People, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Hobos, Homeless, Junk Food & Fast Food, Money & Class, Movies, Music, Names, Nicknames & name calling, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Panhandling, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, West Village

And the Day Is Young

Guy in line for hot dog: Oh, so you're pregnant?
Woman in line (looks at stomach): Nope, just fat.

–Hot Dog Vendor near WTC

Overheard by: JB

Posted on August 26, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Guys, Hot dog stands, Physical appearance, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

Yo Quiero Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to male teacher: I thought you were a middle aged Latino woman.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Alex and Colin

Chubby Latino: I don't want to go there. It'll just be a bunch of angry Dominicans throwing tables.

–Cooper Park, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Drunken lady, sitting uninvited at a Hispanic family table: Cinco cuatro cinco… en Chicago. I have a business at 545 Chicago. In Chicago. I am a successful woman. Stay in school, sweetie. Learn your math and arithmetic… Yes, your math, and your arithmetic. And be good to your mommy. You only have one mommy, so be good to her. Alright, ciao, guys. Adios, coco! What? A cab? No, no, I'm fine.

–Pio Pio Restaurant, 91st & 1st

Overheard by: HJWC

Hasidic Jew answering cell: Hola? Hola? Hola!

–30 Rock

Overheard by: Micky

Bespectacled man on cell, walking a dog: And I owe it all to the politically incorrect Frito Bandito.

–Bryant Park

Posted on August 20, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bryant Park, Business and Commerce, Drunks, Education, Fat People, Fears, Fordham, Gender issues, Jews, Languages, Latinos, Men, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Parents, Parks, Physical appearance, Pop Culture, Restaurants & Cafes, Rockefeller Center, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

Fat People