And It Burns, Burns, Burns, the Ring of Fire…

Homeless guy dropping cigarettes while following foreigners: A brother drops his smokes and you gets a-steppin’?! I smoke Newports! You can’t get this in no garage! Hey! Hey! How about givin’ me some money? It’s for the children, for the children!
Lady: No!
Homeless guy to lady’s boyfriend: Wow, there’s evil! So much evil comin’ from this one. You’re good, though, I can tell.
Boyfriend: Yeah?
Homeless guy: Can you feel that? Can you feel that, brother?
Boyfriend: Yes, I can feel that.
Homeless guy: You know what that is?
Boyfriend: No, what is it?
Homeless guy: It’s the feel of the crack of yo’ asshole burnin’! [Homeless guy runs away.]

–Bleecker, near Sullivan

Headline by: pheeze

Runners-Up:

· “Another drive-by psychic reading from Triumph the Insult Comic Bum” – Angus McIntyre

· “Jesus Is My Roid Cream” – en_ki

· “That Port Hasn’t Been New In Years” – dan

· “The wrong way to hand out Taco Bell coupons” – Jon Trudel

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on July 4, 2015
Couples, Headline Contest Winners, Homeless, Insults, Smokers & Smoking, The Village

Wednesday One-Liners Click “It’s Complicated”

Chick: It’s about your cyber personality, and if your cyber personality doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me on Facebook, that’s okay!

–NYU Hayden Staircase

Coed: I don’t know… if Sheryl* with the two kids by the two different baby-daddies can have a good MySpace, I think pretty much anyone should be able to do it.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: ImmaculatePizza

Hipster girl: It looks like MySpace exploded in there!

–The Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St

Overheard by: Cassie

20-something girl: So, the quadriplegic I hooked up with added me as a friend on Facebook last night.

–Chipotle, 51st & 8th

Geek prophet: No one is ever away from Google, really.

–Near Holland Tunnel

Overheard by: Claire H.

Angry chick, to boyfriend: Look, I’m not changing my Facebook status!

–6th & Ave A

Overheard by: Kremilyse

30-ish woman: I said I wouldn’t date him ’til he gets rid of the typos on his MySpace profile… Am I a snob?

–Tom’s Diner, Morningside Heights

Overheard by: ball-and-veining tool

Posted on July 3, 2015
Baby Mama/Daddy, Bars & Clubs, Default, Facebook, Foreigners, Girls, Google, Handicaps, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Hunter, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Myspace, NYU, Philosophy, Preachers, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Students, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Women

Scene from the Latest Remake of The Parent Trap

Lady: Excuse me, but I have my daughter here!
Man: So do I!
Lady, backing out of train: Fine, whatever. Merry Christmas to you.
Man: Yeah, fuck you, too.

–68th & Lex station

Posted on July 3, 2015
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Insults, Strangers, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Everybody but You Has a Cell Phone

Tracheotomy lady in wheelchair: Nita, the car’s here. The car’s here, Nita — get off the phone! [Cousin Nita tries to hang up wall phone, but misses.] You’re so lame, Nita.

–Lucille Lortel Theatre

Posted on June 30, 2015
Families, Insults, Theater

Oh, These Guys Would Respect You Like Crazy

Asian yuppie: I’m so tired of his bullshit. I’m done. Like seriously. Who the fuck tells his ex: “Hey, I’m going to ask this chick out, you think it’s a good idea?” That bastard!
White yuppie: Wow, no respect at all.
Asian yuppie: I know.
White yuppie: We should go out for drinks, I know a lot of guy friends who would do anything to have sex with you.
Asian yuppie: I don’t need to get laid…
White yuppie: Blasphemy!
Asian yuppie: Ok. You’re right, maybe I do need to get laid.

–Grand Central Station

Posted on June 30, 2015
Advice, Asians, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Grand Central, Insults, Questions, Relationships, White People, Wishes & desires, Yuppies

Wednesday One-Liners Just Need to Walk It Off

Large bald man on Bluetooth: He got a fuckin' boo boo, that's all!

–Gramercy

Suit on cell: So, I haven't been electrocuted…yet.

–L Train

Elderly woman: I regret that she broke her arm. I do not regret pushing her down the stairs.

–E Train

Overheard by: Pat

Little boy: I hope the boo-boo goes away soon! My staple won't hold that long!

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Say what?

Guy on train to friend: Hey, would you still date a girl if she was in an industrial accident and had to wear a Darth Vader suit forever?

–6 Train

Posted on June 29, 2015
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Clothing, Crime and Punishment, Dating, Fat People, Friends, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Kids, Men, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Questions, Suits, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Can Civil Engineering Correct This Lack Of Civility? Discuss.

(nurse with elderly lady on wheelchair comes against Asian American pregnant woman with baby in stroller)
Nurse: Oh my, I'm sorry! (pulls back to let woman and child pass)
Asian American pregnant woman: Oh, I'm sorry, I can…
Senile old lady: Get out of the way, chink!
(infant cries)
Asian American pregnant woman: Excuse me?
Nurse: Oh my god! I'm so sorry.
Senile old lady: Don't apologize!
(nurse backs up and lets mother and child through)

–Washington Square Village

Overheard by: zgoldberg

Posted on June 29, 2015
Apologies, Asians, Insults, Nurses, Old People, Preggers, Race, Washington Square Park, Wheelbos

I Need a Place to Sleep

Drunk frat boy to other drunk frat boy: Fuck you!
Hobo, overlooking: Not if I get there first!

–1 Train

Posted on June 27, 2015
Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Frat Boys, Hobos, Insults, On the Subway, Sex

…but Yes

Kinky girl: Have you ever thought about tasting your own cum?
Other girl: Are you fucking serious? We're in Times Square right now. Twenty people probably heard that.

–Times Square

Overheard by: No thank you

Posted on June 26, 2015
Cum, Girls, Insults, Questions, Times Square

Omg, Like W.O.L.s, Lolcatz!

Girl to another, loudly: Oh my god! Where the fuck were you this morning? I was about to text you, but I realized you couldn't text. And I couldn't text either! And you wouldn't pick up your phone! And I needed to talk to you! But I couldn't reach you! So I just like fucking sat there and screamed for ten minutes!

–B9 Bus

20-something male to friend: I am so MIA right now. I am MIA. Like, I text you, but I am MIA. Like, so many people send texts to me, and I'm just MIA.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: dallas

Girl leaving movie: Well, I'm sure she'll send out a mass text the second she has her baby.

–AMC Theater 19th & Broadway

Overheard by: Julie

20-something to another: Tiffany, I know I left Jason at the altar…but why didn't he text me back?

–1849 Bar, MacDougal & Bleecker

Laughing hobo to another: That is the funniest joke I've ever heard! You have to text that to me!

–St. Mark's Church, 2nd Ave & 9th St

Overheard by: cody