Wednesday's One-Liners Are Standing at Attention

Thug: Yo, man! What color are my nipples? What color are my nipples?!

–LaGuardia High School

Teen to friend: Calm yo black nipples! Calm yo black nipples!

–Union Square

Overheard by: hairy pink nipples

Girl to friends: The idea of some machine sucking on my nipples just terrifies me!

–Bathroom, NYU

Overheard by: Trying to pee in peace

Random girl: Yeah, I have like four nipples.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Nameless

Tall beautiful 30-year-old curvaceous brunette in stockings and pumps on cell: I was like: "you're preaching about non-violence and you're touching my nipple!"

–Bleecker St

Overheard by: Janusz

Posted on November 19, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Colors, Fast Times at New York High, Friends, Girls, Harassment, Nipples, NYU, On Cell, Sex, Staten Island Ferry, Street, Teens, The Village, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Little People–Big Wednesday One-Liners

Greasy guy on cell: Yeah, there was this whole big to-do. They had all these little midgets running around–it was a whole Willy Wonka thing going on.

–42nd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Aren't They Called Little People?

Midget on mobile: Man, you don't know how tough it is, these little women are tough, they know what they want… Yeah, yeah… The are like tigers, they'll eat you up!

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: JT

Flyer guy: Comedy show, folks–we got midgets!

–Herald Square

Overheard by: BeccaGo

Guy: High-five if you like midgets and drugs!

–42nd & 7th

Overheard by: Shannon

Suit on cell: Yeah, yeah, we're gonna do it big for my birthday. No I'm thinking more like midget strippers…eh, I haven't decided what I want it to be. (pause) Oh yeah, sorry, not "it," "him" or "her." No, I think dwarfs have magical powers, that's the deal. Not racist, dwarfist maybe.

–Chinatown Bus

Overheard by: Evan

Drunk guy with group of friends: I'm sorry I hit you, I thought I was Irish and you were four feet tall.

–41st & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Glad I'm not short

Posted on November 12, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Apologies, Birthdays, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drugs, Drunks, Flyer people, Friends, Grand Central, Guys, Handicaps, Kick, Little People (Midgets, Dwarfs), Magic, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, On Cell, On the Bus, Physical appearance, Race, Strippers, Suits, Theater & Dance, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

You Always Hertz the One You Love

Thug on cell: Yo, hearse rent a car? Yo man, I need to rent a hearse. Yeah, I'll hold. (pause) Y'all don't rent no hearses? Why y'all call yoselfs hearse rent a car? (pause) Word? Well, I need to move a body, maybe you got a van or something? (pause) I don't care, I just need to move his dead ass. (pause) Cargo van? Whatever. Yeah.
Thug's friend: Ask if they got am'blances.

–Grand Concourse, 158 St

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on November 6, 2008
Cars and Driving, Death, Friends, Names, On Cell, The Bronx, Thugs, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Need to Leave Eden Eventually

Angry Spanish boyfriend: You know why I'm talking to you like this! Because your boss was sitting there and you probably had no damn clothes on!

–Broad Channel Subway Station

Girl to friend: Yeah, I can't wait until we take off our clothes and do our make up!

–116th & 3rd

(20-something couple is walking down the street with arms around each other)
Woman: So were you self-conscious when you took off your clothes in front of the children?

–28th & 5th

White guy answering cell: Negrooooo… I'm on the Long Island Railroad being completely homosexual… You missed it, completely naked…

–LIRR

Overheard by: Xavier

Five-year-old girl, before performance begins: Are they going to take *all* their clothes off?

—Hair, Delacorte Theater

Girl to friend: God! I remember when my brother ran into my room naked screaming that he had two buttholes.

–Subway, 14th & 1st

Overweight middle age white guy to friend: I know, I get it, you like to sit naked in the mud while some guy serenades you on his guitar singing about things I don't believe and can't understand. That's your thing. I prefer hockey.

–89th & 4th, Brooklyn

Posted on November 5, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Fat People, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Infidelity, Instruments, Kids, Latinos, Makeup, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, Nudity, On Cell, One-liners, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sports, Stupidity, Subway Stations, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Theater, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Everybody Needs a Wednesday One-Liner for a Pillow

Little kid: We're going to the city to get mommy titties!

–LIRR Train

Punk chick: This thing needs bazooms. I'm a punker chick with itty bitties.

–Midtown Office

Girl to female friend: Hey, did you know today is the three-year anniversary of my boobs?

–Union Square

Crazy lady trying to exchange a shirt: I can't go to work with my tits hanging out!

–Abercrombie & Fitch

Overheard by: me neither.

Chick on cell: In his defense, I forget about breasts, too.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Posted on November 5, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Birthdays, Boob Job, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crazies, Family Ties, Friends, Girls, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Physical appearance, Punks, Questions, Rack, Store, Street, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

It's Wednesday One-Liners, Bitch!

Angry suit chick on phone: No, I am your second bitch, but I still love you!

–41st St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: That guy has his hands full

Cute activist girl, after extended conversation about Kwame Kilpatrick: I mean, you can't just kill a bitch and expect no one to notice!

–LaGuardia Airport

NYU sudent: She's like one of those fabulous bitches though, you know?

–NYU Dorm

Overheard by: Me too Honey

Guy on cell: A dog show, like where you pick up bitches!

–23rd Ave, Queens

Overheard by: Xavier

College student to friend: I really want to bump into him. Condescending comes across so much better in person. (pause) And I can't wait to be a sarcastic bitch!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Pola

Ex-con to group of friends: I don't mean shit to a bitch! (looks over at a terrified hipstergirl next to him. He takes off his hat) I mean. I have very little value to most ladies.

–C Train

Overheard by: Tim Roth

Posted on November 5, 2008
Activists, All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Crime and Punishment, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Insults, LaGuardia Airport, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Promiscuity, Queens, Relationships, Street, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Thugs, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Wednesday One-Liners

Music theory professor, explaining classical idioms: The reason we use these techniques is because the great composers did–Mozart, Beethoven, Bach. They knew what they were doing. Bach knew that Mozart intuitively understood the music. When he reviewed Mozart's work, he was like, "that motherfucker!" (slight pause) Yeah, more or less.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Music Theorist

Girl to friends: Imagine this: Spice Girls concert, platform shoes, glitter all over my body…

–McCarren Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: do I have to?

20-something Whitey McWhiteface to friends: So do you think Lil Wayne tried to become a hipster or, like, it just happened?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Hopper

Guy to friend, while watching Radiohead: This is a great song to urinate to.

–Liberty State Park

Doctoral student on phone: I can't do my dissertation on the sex lives of great composers…I can't… No, it's just that the subject is too big… Ok, so 1950 to present.

–Manhattan School of Music

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. And now for your entertainment… (taps on the microphone a pretty decent beat) I hope you all like my beats…I've been practicing!

–F Train

Overheard by: Groovin to the music

Posted on November 5, 2008
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Conductors, Ew, Jersey, Friends, Girls, Guys, History & Geography, Makeup, Music, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Parks, Pee, Questions, School, Sex, Students, Teachers/Professors, Time, Weirdness, Wiggers

Get Embarrassing Stains Out With Wednesday One-Liners!

Woman on cell: I didn't take a bath with your dog!

–Long Island Railway

Overheard by: Jeff

Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: bih.

Very loud crackhead to nobody in particular: Today is great day…I got my pussy washed and I got new crutches.

–14th St

Overheard by: Cuttie

Middle aged man to another: I miss seeing my wife do squats while cleaning the tub.

–Central Park Loop

Overheard by: Nick Kinling

Woman with awful red lipstick: I am too lazy to shower. Ooh! Did I tell you I discovered dry shampoo?

–Broadway & 112th

Overheard by: do us a favor and bathe

Teenage girl to another: I don't know what the fuck he's talking about…I wash my titties everyday with Lever2000.

–D Train

Overheard by: Derrick Walker

Posted on November 5, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Assholes, Beauty, Bimbettes, Central Park, Clothing, Columbia University, Druggies, Family Ties, Friends, Hair, Happiness, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Long Island, Man's Best Friend, Men, Menstruation, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Rack, Sensory Experiences, Sports, Teens, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners?E I E I O

Cop to another: So she said, "see ya later, alligator." To which I retorted, "in a while, crocodile."

–Cunningham Park, Queens

Girl on cell: That was the day I woke up with the pigeon in my bed!

–Christopher St

Law school chick, stopping and staring at pigeon in her path: You go girl!

–East Village

Girl on intercom: Llama needed at the Oyster Bar ramp for a spill!

–Grand Central

Suit to friend: I mean, I don't understand. If people really want to pay like $30,000 to hunt them, I don't see what the problem is.

–Bronx Zoo

Curly grey-haired middle aged crafty lady: If you let them have sex with goats, they'll leave children alone!

–Crafts Fair, Red Hook Fairway

Overheard by: Myrtle & Carlton

Posted on November 5, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Assholes, Astoria, Beastiality, Birds, Cops, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Kids, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Store, Street, Students, Stupidity, Suits, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Just Do It

20-something on cell: So yeah, I hit a new low. So you know how I had sex with Dan, Steve and Dave? Well, I totally just handled my friend from work who is married and we did it in his daughter's bed. If that doesnt say I'm crazy, I dont know what does? (pause) Are you kidding me? His wife never gives it up, that man busted four times in a matter of minutes.
(pause). Well, that's now four men this week who said I have the best pussy they've had.

–159th & Broadway

Overheard by: morgan

Girl: She was fucking everybody in this city–and no one even liked her!

–Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: bRonwyn

20-something man to girlfriend: You're a grown woman! I can't help it if you're a whore!

–7 Train

Overheard by: becky z-dub

Girl on cell: Wait, so you and Skylar are dating now? Ahh, so exciting! (pause) No, you didn't already tell me. You said that you woke up next to him. Since when does that mean you're dating someone?

–Bedford & 8th

20-something blonde on phone: All those people who laugh and snigger at you only do it because they too have experienced the walk of shame.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Man on phone: I can't be constantly wondering who you're sleeping with! I tell you, I'm tired, I'm old, and I can't do what I'm supposed to do. I'm a good 60, but I ain't good enough to be waking up everyday and chasing you around!

–Coffee shop, Crown Heights

Overheard by: Eric

Hipster on cell: I don't see what's so wrong with going up to someone on the street and saying, "hey, what's up? Let's fuck!" I do it all the time!

–Great Hall, Cooper Union

Overheard by: NYUTSOA12

Posted on November 5, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Brooklyn, Compliments, Dating, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Infidelity, Laughter, Men, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, On the Subway, One Night Stand, One-liners, Pick-up Lines, Promiscuity, Questions, Sex, Soho, Store, Street, Three is Company, Vagina, Weirdness, West Village

On Cell