Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot

Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Overheard by: PoisonIvy

Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!

–1 train

Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…

–1 train

Overheard by: sara n.

Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!

–18th & Park

Overheard by: edward

Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!

–Wooster & Broome

Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry.

–23rd & 6th

Posted on September 13, 2006
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Celebrities, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Classroom, College, Druggies, Drugs, Fordham, Girls, Hard Drugs, Manhattan, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, People, Places, Pop Culture, Private Parts, Psychic, Queers, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Topics, Vagina, Vendors & Street Performers, Venues, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called ‘Rubenesque’

Girl on cell: Oh my God, my love handles are out of control. When I was getting ready tonight, my fat got caught in my zipper.

–49th & 2nd

Overweight girl: Guys don’t know what they’re missing. There’s some fine pussy under this gut!

–Queens College

Overheard by: Jimbob Watson

Old Italian woman: If I die fat, whatever. Just as long as I make everyone else fat before I go, that’s fine. They can diet after I’m gone. Just keep my recipes is all I’m sayin’, ya know?

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Dennis

Guy: There should be more laws about people on planes. I once had to sit next to this really fat guy. He was so unapologetic about it! The rogue fat was spilling onto me.

–G train

Shrewd observer, commenting on NYU freshmen: They’re so ugly, and a lot of them haven’t started smoking yet so they’re really fat.

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Little girl to large woman at paper towel dispenser: I didn’t get any, stupid fat lady!

–Women’s restroom, Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Robyn Z

Art student: You ever seen a fat guy fall on a car? Like, the car just happened to be there?

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Overheard by: TeN22

Posted on September 13, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Fitness, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, School

It Make Sparky Things. Me Scared, Hide in Cave.

Girl #1: Yeah, I need to buy a new cell phone; mine is broken.
Girl #2: How come.
Girl #1: I dropped it in the sand during my vacation.
Girl #2: That’s how it broke?
Girl #1: No, it was fine but the sand was all over it, so I decided to rinse it clean with pouring water from the bathroom sink.

–Central Park

Posted on September 11, 2006
Bimbettes, Cell Phone, Central Park, Friends, On Cell, Stupidity

A Benign Autopsy Is Just Getting Felt Up

Woman on cell: They just did an autopsy on my mother…What?…Yeah…Autopsy…No, she didn’t fuckin’ die, you asshole. An autopsy! Yeah! On my mother! It’s benign…Okay, listen, man, next time I’m watching CSI, you need to shut the fuck up and watch with me. You can learn shit on there!

–Elevator, Columbia Medical Center

Posted on September 8, 2006
Health and Hygiene, Medicine, On Cell, TV

Wednesday One-Liners Go Down

Suit: I’d leave my wife for her if her clit didn’t taste like a spicy tuna roll.

–Chambers & Broadway

Girl on cell: I don’t care how many fingers you put in her. Bottom line is, she didn’t blow you. So I win.

–Times Square

Overheard by: shap

Utilitarian guy: A blow job is better than no job.

–Sex Work Conference, The New School

Overheard by: wendy

Girl: $50 for a 2-minute bj? I’d do it. It takes me 8 hours to make $50. Shit.

–Queens bound F train

Overheard by: Marisa

Dude: So, did she orgasm in your mouth?

–219 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Hipster: I’m thinking of getting that little string thing attached to my tongue cut off so I can eat pussy better.

–Chinatown bus

Queer #1 to queer #2: Well if I’m not giving you head and you’re not giving me head then we’ve got a problem.

–Wachovia, 17th & 7th

Overheard by: Joanna

Posted on September 6, 2006
BJs, Eating Out, Girls, Hand-Jobs, Hipsters, On Cell, Orgasm, Queers, Suits, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Flaming Bag on Your Porch

Dude: It’s all right to be self-conscious about your feces.

–L train

Overheard by: Matthew Sahd Mohammed

Tourist: On the farm, manure smells pretty good. But in the city it just smells like horse shit.

–Horse carriages, Central Park South & 5th Ave

Man to his dog: Damn, nigga, you betta hurry up an’ shit already. I got places to be!

–112th & Amsterdam

Hipster guy: The park is open for pooping!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: I went at home

Techie on cell: Yeah, you got it: I’m going to troubleshoot the crap out of it. Yeah, you heard me: troubleshoot the crap!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Dude: All the toilet paper in here is shitty!

–Duane Reade, 70th & Broadway

Overheard by: Yesenia

8-year-old girl: Let’s play poo-poo!

–Green St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: twelvis

Posted on August 30, 2006
Animals & Nature, Central Park, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Kids, Man's Best Friend, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, People, Places, Poop, Should've Used a Condom, The Village, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble

Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too…You’ve met Carla…You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.

–77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Joseph

Considerate guy: Hey, man, don’t burst his bubble. If it ain’t a man, it ain’t a man.

–Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St

Voice on intercom: Sir, that’s the women’s restroom. Sir…Sir…Stop!

–Times Square

Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.

–F train

Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you’re the prettiest man I’ve ever seen.

–Women’s bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York

Overheard by: Aaron

Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who’s he supposed to be?

–Circle Line

Overheard by: emily

Young guy: …so, technically, I’m lactating. Technically.

–Central Park

Posted on August 30, 2006
Bars & Clubs, Beauty, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drinking & Drunk People, Jews, Kids, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Penis, People, Places, Poop, Private Parts, Rack, Stall Spies, Times Square, Tourist Attractions, Upper East Side, Venues

If at First You Don’t Succeed…

Halter-Top #1, screaming into cell: We’re on 10th and One. One. One!
Halter-Top #2: Just tell him we’re at 10th and one!
Halter-Top #1: One! [Pause] Oh, First? Is that what it’s called?

–10th & 1st

Posted on August 29, 2006
Manhattan, NYC Geography, On Cell, Places, Union Square and East Village

Statutory Wednesday One-Liners

Tourist: I want to have sex. I’m old enough!

–Outside Cold Stone Creamery, 42nd St

20-Something frat boy: Ya know, something tells me my wife hasn’t even been born yet…

–6 train, Astor Place

Overheard by: Al

Young woman: If I were a pedophile, I would be the best pedophile ever because nobody would suspect me!

–6 train

Overheard by: Innocent bystander

Man, trying on glasses: No, these make me look like a pedophile.

–9th Street Optical, 9th St between 5th & 6th, Brooklyn

Chick on cell: Yes, I got fired at my job! Yes, I got fired at Barely Legal! I got tired of playing Twister in my pajamas.

–Airplane, LaGuardia Tarmac

Overheard by: Judy

Posted on August 23, 2006
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Clothing, Crime and Punishment, Frat Boys, Horny, Jobs & Careers, Kids, LaGuardia Airport, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Office, On Cell, On the Subway, Pop Culture, Porn, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, The Village, Tourists

If Wednesday One-Liners Can Make It Here, They Can Make It Anywhere

Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.

–Battery Park

Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It’s people like that who give New York City a bad name.

–Lindy’s, 7th Ave

Overheard by: joemikehap

Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I’m a New Yorker; it’s practically a requirement!

–F train

Overheard by: Braincurve

Tourist on cell: Yeah! I’m in New York! Yeah, it’s kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can’t drink in the streets.

–Grand Central

Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Laura

Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that’s why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York…except for niggas on the train.

–Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Clitoris Rex

Little girl: There’s a lot of people in this New York City!

–Times Square

Posted on August 23, 2006
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Etiquette, Grand Central, History & Geography, Lower Manhattan, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movie Theaters, Movies, On Cell, On the Subway, Only in New York, Penis, Pop Culture, Private Parts, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, Trains Not Subway, Travel, U.S. Geography, Union Square and East Village, Waiters

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