Three-Piece Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on cell: Yeah, man, I’m so jealous. I mean, my holes have been full for years!

–Times Square

Overheard by: biting my tongue

Suit: I just met you. I can call you an asshole.

–Livingston St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sean McGurr

Suit: Are you listening to me?! The Projects are not natural!

–125th St

Overheard by: Kerry & Bob

Suit: … So then I grabbed the vise-grips and got him by the lips…

–59th & Lex

Overheard by: I really hope he was talking about a fish

Suit on cell: … So he was going to build this underground tunnel to the road from his house. Like, an escape tunnel thing. No, he sold the street-legal side and handles the government contracting. Well, he couldn’t get the zoning for a tunnel, so he’s building a retractable bridge.

–55th & Park

Suit: I hate getting buzzed in the afternoon. It makes me feel like a craven bastard.

–Liberty & Broadway

Overheard by: Mondo Man

Posted on March 26, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Etiquette, Government, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Paranoia, Questions, Street, Suits, Time, Times Square, Tourist Attractions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul

Hipster guy: I mean, she’s a Jewish. She’s not, like, a bad person, I think.

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: …right.

Dude: He’s that kind of super-serious Jew that doesn’t touch women. I think they call it ‘Hava Nagila.’

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Middle school girl trying to catch snowflakes in her mouth: These snowflakes are so antisemitic! They won’t go in my mouth!

–110th & Amsterdam

Blonde on cell: I just don’t see us working out. All my friends hate you, my mom hates you, and even my dog hates you… My mom hates you because you’re not Jewish… Yes, I’m aware I’m Catholic… Because Jews are financially secure!

–Starbucks, Upper West Side

Frustrated Jewish guy: I mean, look at these people and their Red Sox yarmulkes! What is this world coming to?!

–Judaism Debate, Cooper Union

Shiksa seeing menorah-shaped chocolates: Oooh, combs!

–Party, W 72nd & Broadway

Posted on March 19, 2008
Animals & Nature, Breaking Up, Catholics, Christianity, Clothing, College, Default, Family Ties, Fears, Girls, God Squad, Guys, Hipsters, Hitler/Nazis, Jews, Judaism, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, Questions, Relationships, Rockefeller Center, Shiksas (& other Gentiles), Starbucks, Stupidity, Tourist Attractions, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wishes & desires, Words

Will We See Live Hipsters in Their Natural Habitat?

Minnesota girl: Like, when I come to New York I want to do something, like, crazy and fun!
Guy: Well, listen, you ran into the right guy, because I am, like…
Girl and guy in unison: Mr. Crazy Fun!
Guy: Exactly. Like, tonight I’m thinking about starting off at this place called a hookah bar. Have you ever heard of one?
Girl: No! What is it?
Guy: Well, it’s this place where you smoke tobacco in Jordanian water pipes!
Girl: Wow.

–Koronets Pizza, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wyatt

Posted on June 19, 2007
Harlem & Morningside Heights, Manhattan, Midwesterners, Restaurants & Cafes, Smokers & Smoking, Tourism, Tourist Attractions, Tourists

Wednesday One-Liners Thought Felicity Huffman Deserved that Oscar

Skater kid: What’s the point of being gay if you like girls who dress like boys?

–42nd St, between 7th & 8th Ave

Lady on phone: Yeah, she was working at a factory, but she was passing as a man… Well, she didn’t last a week at the factory.

–Bus in Lincoln Tunnel

TA: We live in a two-gender system of society. There’s no green ‘It’s a hermaphrodite!’ balloon to put out on your front lawn.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Limey

Chick: I mean, I feel frumpy here. For real. I’m sick of being like, ‘That guy is skinnier than me, has on nicer jeans, and has better makeup.’

–26th St

Overheard by: agrees with that girl

College student on cell: Great, I’ll see you soon. Can I be dressed as a woman?

–114th & Broadway

Mom to very young son: Some things are for boys, and some things are for girls. It was cute when you were little, but now it’s time to differentiate.

–Target, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on January 3, 2007
13 Bar, Advice, Age/Aging, Airports, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Astoria, Barbershop, Bars & Clubs, Bodegas, Bowery Ballroom, Buildings, Bus, CBGB, Classroom, Cruise Ship, Dean & Deluca, Delis, Duane Reade, Elevators, Empire State Building, Grand Central, Grocery Stores, Ground Zero, Gyms, Hospitals, Hot dog stands, Hotels, JFK Airport, LaGuardia Airport, Laundromat, Long Island City, Madison Square Garden, Movie Theaters, Museums, Office, On the Bus, On the Subway, Parades & Festitivites, Parks, Penn Station, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Shea Stadium, Stall Spies, Starbucks, Staten Island, Staten Island Ferry, Store, Street, Stuyvesant Town, Subway Stations, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Tattoo Parlor, Taxis, The Bronx, The Hamptons, Topics, Tourist Attractions, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Venues, Whole Foods, Yankee Stadium

Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look

Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Francesca

White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?

–4 train

Overheard by: Gregorio

Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?

–D train, Grand Concourse

Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?

–Manhattan-bound F train

Overheard by: Josh

Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?

–Game Stop, Forest Hills

Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They’re like lions — from the sea!

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Andrew K.

Posted on December 6, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Black People, Business and Commerce, Central Park, Gangstas, Girlfriends, Girls, Idiots, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, On the Subway, People, Places, Pop Culture, Preppies, Queens, Questions, Shopping, Store, Stupidity, Suits, Teens, Time, Topics, Tourist Attractions, Venues, Video Games, White People, Words

What’s More American Than a Severely Defective Grasp of History?

Mom with teen son: Doesn’t looking at that just make you proud to be an American?
Son: Yeah… except for the fact that the Chinese gave it to us.

–Statue of Liberty Ferry

Overheard by: Julia

Posted on November 17, 2006
Moms, Teens, Tourist Attractions

Which Is All About the Unknowns

Female tourist: I don’t get it. This isn’t a square, it’s like… triangular.
Male tourist: No, no, they just call it that because… well… it’s like… a square… a square of people. I don’t know, it has something to do with algebra.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Luke

Posted on September 14, 2006
History & Geography, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYC Geography, People, Places, Times Square, Topics, Tourist Attractions, Tourists

Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble

Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too…You’ve met Carla…You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.

–77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Joseph

Considerate guy: Hey, man, don’t burst his bubble. If it ain’t a man, it ain’t a man.

–Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St

Voice on intercom: Sir, that’s the women’s restroom. Sir…Sir…Stop!

–Times Square

Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.

–F train

Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you’re the prettiest man I’ve ever seen.

–Women’s bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York

Overheard by: Aaron

Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who’s he supposed to be?

–Circle Line

Overheard by: emily

Young guy: …so, technically, I’m lactating. Technically.

–Central Park

Posted on August 30, 2006
Bars & Clubs, Beauty, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drinking & Drunk People, Jews, Kids, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Penis, People, Places, Poop, Private Parts, Rack, Stall Spies, Times Square, Tourist Attractions, Upper East Side, Venues

Oh, Just Like You Bringing Me to Orgasm?

Texan mom: It says here that the French gave this statue as a gift.
Texan dad: Ain’t no way France coulda sent that. They ain’t got no boat big enough.
Texan mom: But it says here…
Texan dad: Ain’t possible means ain’t possible. Gittit?

–Liberty Island

Overheard by: Colman

Posted on August 5, 2006
Foreigners, Gifts, History & Geography, Marriage, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, People, Rednecks, Sex & Relationships, Southerners, Statue of Liberty, Topics, Tourism, Tourist Attractions, Tourists, Venues

And Can You Tuck? Says Here ‘Girl Gets a Free Balloon.’

Dad: How old are you?
Teen boy: Thirteen.
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: You know he’s thirteen.
Dad: It says here that if you’re eleven or younger, you get in free… How old are you?
Teen: Oh. Eleven.

–Roxy Deli

Overheard by: Kelsey
Headline by: Tom Dorey

Runners-Up:
· “And Don’t Forget, Your Mom’s Your Grandma And She Got That Black Eye Playing Bingo” – Kate
· “And it’s cheaper than regression therapy” – Kim
· “But He is 19 on Myspace” – DanC
· “Good Answer. Now Give Me $10 For Your Mother And Me.” – Hobo Whisperer
· “Good…now go shave your balls.” – Colin
· “If Your Mom Hadn’t Lied About her Age, You WOuldn’t Be Here Now” – Jason
· “Sorry, Not Applicable to Jews” – djingo
· “Still paying down the debt from Dad’s mid-life crisis” – Allison
· “You Know What I Like Better Than Welfare Checks? Nothing.” – Amos
· “You know I only get paid for sending them pre-teens” – kasey

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on July 13, 2006
Business and Commerce, Customers, Dads, Family Ties, Headline Contest Winners, Intelligentsia, Kids, Moms, Parents, Teens, Tourist Attractions, White People, White Trash

Tourist Attractions