Wednesday One-Liners Use the Safety Net

Teen girl on cell: What?! His name was "food stamps?"

–Outside W 4th St Train Station

Woman waiting in line for a free iced coffee at Dunkin' Donuts: Daaaayum… It's crowded in here, like at the welfare office!

–Lower Manhattan

Overheard by: Matt

Thug (seeing the line for Dark Knight: Yo, this is longer than the welfare line!

–42nd St AMC Theaters

Overheard by: Angel

Drunk hobo in seriously bright yellow jump suit: Will you marry me? I got food stamps.

–Broadway, Astoria

Guy on cell: What? Yeahhh, her momma's been on welfare so long her food stamps bounced.

–3rd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: nycpuhlease

20-year-old girl on cell: Yeah, I got the dress, it was like $100. I tried on matching pumas and I'm gonna go back to get those tomorrow. Hold on, I have another call.
(pause) Hello? Let me call you back, I'm on my way to pick up my welfare check.

–M2 Bus

Posted on November 26, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Family Ties, Food, Girls, Guys, Hobos, Jobs & Careers, Lower Manhattan, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Names, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Stupidity, Teens, Theater, Thugs, Train Station, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Big Fun

Girl: Imagine if you're fat? You would die.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Girl on cell: I just don't trust her, she's fat. Fat girls always cause problems.

–3rd Ave & 40th

Overheard by: Liz

Overweight teen girl to friend: It's like, I'm kind of hungry but like I don't feel like eating anything. (a minute later to cashier) I'll have three bacon cheeseburgers, large fries and a frosty.

–Wendy's, Union Square

Overheard by: I was starving and bought less

14-year-old girl to group of friends: I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.

–18th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Will

Senior ad exec to junior art designer: What the fuck doesn't this guy understand? The machine literally sucks fat out of your body! So we can't show a girl with a huge ass and huge thighs in the ad! Get it the fuck together!

–49th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: agree to agree

20-something girl: I think I look fat when I don't have armpit hair.

–Canal & Mott

Posted on November 19, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Artists, Ass, Body Parts, Bosses, College, Death, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Hair, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Restaurants & Cafes, Staten Island, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Waxing, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Neighborhoodies Proudly

Snooty middle-aged woman to gaggle of friends: I don't care about the rest of the city, I only care about my street.

–NoHo

Overheard by: me too

Middle-aged white guy to receptionist: I am glad to be out of the old neighborhood, though. Not that I am prejudiced, but the Hassidim, I just don't like them!

–Dentist Office, Carroll Gardens

Suit: I mean, he lives on 86th Street. That's just generic land!

–L Train

Girl (loudly to friends): No, that's Bushwick. We don't want to get off there! It's really shi… (glances around nervously at people who are now looking at her) I had…a shitty… experience in Bushwick.

–L Train

Overheard by: Rebecca

Hipster guy: And look out, cuz Williamsburg's still hood, dude!

–23rd St & 8th St

Overheard by: alex

Posted on November 19, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hipsters, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Judaism, Men, Office, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Race, Suits, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, White People, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Workin' on the Railroad, All the Livelong Day

Conductor: Hey, partner, can we go? (static) We can't? Why the heck not? Hey, moron, get your ass in here! You're holding up a bunch of wonderful people! Wonderful New York commuters who don't need this kind of fucking bullshit at 3 on a Friday afternoon! (static) Yes, you! Keep pointing at yourself and my answer will keep being… Yes, it's you! Goddammit, get in the fucking train! I hate dealing with this! (long pause) You know what, make a decision: either cram your Rosie O'Donnell ass in or get the fuck out! Oh, look, he's in! (slow, sarcastic applause) Partner, we can bounce up on out of here now.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Train Wreck

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 250 years there will be track work on weekends. Don't say that no one told you.

–R Train

Overheard by: Mezz

Conductor: If you don't fit on this train kindly wait for the next B. (doors close) That was excellent, ladies and gentlemen, if you keep this up, we'll all be home really soon.

–B Train

Conductor, looking forward to the end of his shift: All right folks, this is your 6:07 train to New Haven stopping at 125th, then express to Stamford. We're off… (makes clippy-clop noises) Neeiiigghh!

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Amused passenger

Conductor: This is 125th Street, may the force be with you, next stop 86th Street.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Luke Skywalker

Conductor, after train goes through stop: Whoops! My bad. My bad.

–G Train

Overheard by: El David

Conductor, after train stops: Ladies and gentlemen, there is train traffic up ahead. We'll start moving as soon… (train starts moving) Oh, well, I guess that's cleared up. Weee!

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Posted on November 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Compliments, Conductors, Directions, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Movies, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Time, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Soundtrack of Your Life

Guy to friend: Dude, I'm working on a new house song right now. It's going to kick ass. It's called "Google It". It goes "Googleit, Googleit, Googleit…"

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Ian

Two guys: Ladies and gentlemen, we are not asking for any money, we just want to sing a little Linkin Park. (they proceed to jump around and sing Linkin Park)

–Uptown N Train

Overheard by: Hametuka

Hipster to friend: Flava Flav…yeah, he's like that skinny guy in Lord of the Rings…you know… "my precioussss…" Yeah… That's him…just a darker version.

–Subway, Brooklyn

Preteen: I won't beat my wife! I listen to Bob Marley!

–E 21st St b/w 1st & 2nd

Dude (matter-of-factly): Crazy northerners…don't quite understand that we're aware of how to speak English in the South. We just choose to say things cooler. That's why Southern rap sounds so much cooler.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: another misunderstood southerner

Middle aged tourist woman: Have you heard all of these Country Western songs about little girls recently? There's like four of them, and they're all really good too!

–Pinkberry, Bleecker b/w MacDougal & Sullivan

Overheard by: Jason

Posted on November 19, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Family Ties, Friends, Google, Grocery Stores, Guys, Hipsters, Kick, Languages, Lower East Side, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Questions, Stupidity, The Village, Tourists, Tweens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Just Poor, They're Po'

Preppy guy: They say beggars can't be choosers, which makes sense, because we're choosers.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Annie

Red Table change collector guy: Help feed the homeless of New York! All it takes is a penny and a heart, you fucking assholes.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Bemused

Girl to friend: I thought of you the other day; I saw a homeless man's penis.

–Lucky Jack's, Orchard St.

Overheard by: Argopelter

Horny dude (after being rejected by a girl at the bar): I asked her if she wanted a drink and she gave me the look that I give to homeless people on the subway.

–79th & Broadway

Guy to girl sitting at a sidewalk cafe: I know, what is with her? She dresses like a homeless person. And not Mary-Kate Olsen homeless but I-think-I-saw-her-passed-out-in-an-alleyway-with-a-heroin-needle-sticking-out-of-her-arm- homeless.

–10th St & 2nd Ave

Girl, to guy who has just spat on floor: Don't do that! Homeless people sleep there!

–6 Train Station

Posted on November 12, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Clothing, Friends, Girls, Guys, Heroin, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Lower East Side, Madison Square Garden, Money & Class, One-liners, Penis, Physical appearance, Pick-up Lines, Preppies, Smegma, Stupidity, Subway Stations, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Need to Leave Eden Eventually

Angry Spanish boyfriend: You know why I'm talking to you like this! Because your boss was sitting there and you probably had no damn clothes on!

–Broad Channel Subway Station

Girl to friend: Yeah, I can't wait until we take off our clothes and do our make up!

–116th & 3rd

(20-something couple is walking down the street with arms around each other)
Woman: So were you self-conscious when you took off your clothes in front of the children?

–28th & 5th

White guy answering cell: Negrooooo… I'm on the Long Island Railroad being completely homosexual… You missed it, completely naked…

–LIRR

Overheard by: Xavier

Five-year-old girl, before performance begins: Are they going to take *all* their clothes off?

—Hair, Delacorte Theater

Girl to friend: God! I remember when my brother ran into my room naked screaming that he had two buttholes.

–Subway, 14th & 1st

Overweight middle age white guy to friend: I know, I get it, you like to sit naked in the mud while some guy serenades you on his guitar singing about things I don't believe and can't understand. That's your thing. I prefer hockey.

–89th & 4th, Brooklyn

Posted on November 5, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Fat People, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Infidelity, Instruments, Kids, Latinos, Makeup, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, Nudity, On Cell, One-liners, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sports, Stupidity, Subway Stations, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Theater, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

It's Wednesday One-Liners, Bitch!

Angry suit chick on phone: No, I am your second bitch, but I still love you!

–41st St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: That guy has his hands full

Cute activist girl, after extended conversation about Kwame Kilpatrick: I mean, you can't just kill a bitch and expect no one to notice!

–LaGuardia Airport

NYU sudent: She's like one of those fabulous bitches though, you know?

–NYU Dorm

Overheard by: Me too Honey

Guy on cell: A dog show, like where you pick up bitches!

–23rd Ave, Queens

Overheard by: Xavier

College student to friend: I really want to bump into him. Condescending comes across so much better in person. (pause) And I can't wait to be a sarcastic bitch!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Pola

Ex-con to group of friends: I don't mean shit to a bitch! (looks over at a terrified hipstergirl next to him. He takes off his hat) I mean. I have very little value to most ladies.

–C Train

Overheard by: Tim Roth

Posted on November 5, 2008
Activists, All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Crime and Punishment, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Insults, LaGuardia Airport, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Promiscuity, Queens, Relationships, Street, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Thugs, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Wednesday One-Liners

Music theory professor, explaining classical idioms: The reason we use these techniques is because the great composers did–Mozart, Beethoven, Bach. They knew what they were doing. Bach knew that Mozart intuitively understood the music. When he reviewed Mozart's work, he was like, "that motherfucker!" (slight pause) Yeah, more or less.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Music Theorist

Girl to friends: Imagine this: Spice Girls concert, platform shoes, glitter all over my body…

–McCarren Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: do I have to?

20-something Whitey McWhiteface to friends: So do you think Lil Wayne tried to become a hipster or, like, it just happened?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Hopper

Guy to friend, while watching Radiohead: This is a great song to urinate to.

–Liberty State Park

Doctoral student on phone: I can't do my dissertation on the sex lives of great composers…I can't… No, it's just that the subject is too big… Ok, so 1950 to present.

–Manhattan School of Music

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. And now for your entertainment… (taps on the microphone a pretty decent beat) I hope you all like my beats…I've been practicing!

–F Train

Overheard by: Groovin to the music